I'm in a daze....or so to say....
Its almost the end of the ever-dreaded and endured end-sems ,though there's still 1 more to go,but having crossed the threshold of 4 back-2-back-ones seems to have given me a new energy...even though i'm feeling sleepy,a little pissed off but my hands are itching to put pen on paper (or fingers on keyboard...or...cut the crap)....Its just one of those when i'm imagining weird things and having blasts frm the past (Wat wud u expect a sleep -deprived person to do,have slept less than 10 hrs in the past 96(plz dont fascinate urself wid the peculiar shape this no. makes here nd howz it gonna be if the nos. are reversed...bals bals bals..) hrs and here i'm sitting at the cc typing away to glory...Nd it was jus one of the moments when u sit wid a fat book in ur hand ,pretending ur'e studying but actually thinkin of everything under the sun(or under the moon),that i was thinkin how nice it could've been if i cud treat maself to my fav . brownie wid choc ice-cream at the Baskin robbins(nt that we have one in this village called roorkee,bt how does it matter -i hv the advantage of being a "dilliwaala"!!)....nd forgetting the pain of my end-sems gone berserk wid that oh-so-yummy-thingy....when i just had a blast frm my "ice-cream past"...Nd i thot its sumthin interesting to narrate....So here's how it goes...

It was a day in the summer break when i suddenly felt sitting at home is takin a toll on me and instead of doin sweeping and washing in the absence of the house -maid,i shud've bin doin sumthin more productive,and hence i decided to proceed with the only plan at hand -a call center job!!!I looked up in the day's paper and as expected saw innumerable adverts,and one that particularly interested me was one in janakpuri D.C.,ya that's right ,the same suicide towers of delhi..(i wasn't ofcourse in a mood to explore greener pastures in far of places like south delhi)...i instantly made my resume with the all-helpful Microsoft word,and called up mr. kartik to ask if he shared me predicament at getting a summer job..Nd getting a partner-in-crime helped me make up my mind to go ahead...

I left home as soon as possible even as my father tried to stop me-"beta,mummy needs help and i have to go to work.."Do hell with the help,i had had enough of it already...
So me and my not -so-prepared (with a hand-written resume sticking out of his hands nd me commenting-"this is what ur'e gonaa give them ,huh???")and completely blank looking partner took a bus to the D.C.(strangely,we didn't know that even the metro was an available option...)
and a ended up all sweaty just in time fr the interview(after ofcourse a McVeggie nd pepsi),only to discover that we were supposed to be interviewed at a dingy ,dark place with no power !!(it looked more like a place to commit petty or even big time crimes or maybe the strangehold of one of the mafia's)...So we were there,being the first ones to be interviewed ,and being asked those expected questions like-"temme about urself" to which my very efficient friend replied-"i'm kartik" ..and the interviewer kept starin at him,expecting him to speak up some more of his divine words..I curbed my laughter wid a low smile..only to be asked myself-"describe me the events that u did yesterday"...as if i was the perfect party blooper and had so many things to gossip abt in ma life...i mean it was odd enough to describe her how i woke up in the morning,brushed my teeth and blah blah!!Gawd,i felt like a complete ass!!
But it was surprising when in the end,she offered us 3 companies,and volunteered to call us up after sumtime(never knew her sumtime woud be 2 months!!)
Happy and content,we went out of that dreary place called vishal tower(it was only in the evening that we came to know that a girl jumped off frm the same tower while we were being interviewed ...i guess she got fed up with our answers...lol!!!)....and since the hunger and thirst had returned back after the tiring(hehe...was it??) session ,we decided to have muffins and mocktails at Muffins etc. ...and volunteered to get back home after that ....Thankfully ,we even caught sight of the metro just as we were about to take an auto for a ride back...

When back,Kartik told me about this cool ice-cream parlour called Giani's which had just opened up at prashant vihar and we decided to check it out...and as we walked into the shop ,i told myself that i had already spent much and so i didn't intend to spend another penny!!As we took a good look at all the different kinds of ice-creams , the shopkeeper seemed to have got suddenly impatent at the sudden arrival of the 2 onlookers...and popped us the expected-"What would u like to have ,sir??" and we promptly echoed back="kuchh nahi!!"...What we heard in reply stirred us up a bit..."100 bucks sir!!" and we heard the sound of that billing machine coming into action (even it seemed to taunt us as we tried to make head of what the guy was upto!!)...
We protested ...."100 bucks for what ??"
And before even we could hear a reply ,the tender handed us a yummy-lookin never seen b4 kinda ice -cream...i wudn't have bothered a bit b4 putting my tongue on to that sweet ,sugary ic,but this time ,it wasn't just making sense...
We looked at each other ,then at the ice -cream(rather drooling over it) and then at the shopkeeper and echoed-"humne kaha tha hume kuchh nahi chhaiye!!".
He promptly replied -"to aapko humne kuchh nahi diya na sir!!"
And i was like-"then whats this???" pointing animatedly at the ice-cream in my hand.
The reply was -"Kuchh nahi!!"
Thouroughly irritated by now..."dude,u've just given me an ice -cream and cut a 100 bucks bill fr that ,and u say u havn't given me anything!!!"
He laughed ,the other guy laughed too,and many hotties in the vicinity laughed away too...i thought maybe i was loosing my mind becoz of the heat ,and pinched myself...but it was actually happening...
Then a voice called frm my behin to get me aware of my surroundings again,and pointed at a particular ice-cream ..I looked at the label and it read-"Kuchh nahi, Rs.100 "
Still not getting the hang of the peculiar name ,we joined in the laughter ,but then i managed to ask the guy-"why such a name???"
To which he promptly replied -"Sir,lotz of ppl like u come here just to see and not to taste ,and when we ask them what they would like to have ,we mostly get to hear -kuchh nahi...its becoz of dat we came out wid an innovaytive idea to have this special ice-cream...."

Nd that was the day i decided i will never say -"kuchh nahi" again in my life....Who knows i mite have to pay a fortune the next time....;o)

Keep smilin and keep singing-
"i scream ,u scream
We all scream for ice cream"

And now u know jus what i meant in this post-"kuchh nahi..."


Today as i lay in my bed,watching the rain and lost in wonderous thoughts about all the events of the past week(not that it was very eventful as i was in my room for most part of the week,down with cold...but i did suffer a few emotional setbacks as i usual do every once in a while)...i heard a familiar sound(shane of westlife),straight from my walkman(which is in my hands whenever such a situation arises...) ,singing out familar lines..

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
Before it's too late...
And for the first time in my life ,i pressed the stop button on my fav. band...I have listened to them fr most part of my life now,and there words have liberated me frm all the deep sadness filled inside me...but for the first time, the words seemed shallow ...For the first time after many years,i suddenly felt the need for a friend...Even tears refused to drop out frm my numb eyes...and my brooding became stronger as time flew...

I realized that lately i've been trusting too many people very easily,and putting a lot at stake..i thought i needed to make ammends ,but if only somehow i could rewind time as easliy as the tape inside my walkman...
As i turn 19,i try to see back in time...these 18yrs have taught a lot of things to me at a very young age, and i curse my childhood which was mostly spent crying...when i was a baby ,i cried out of sadistic pleasure(its my way to understand the unstoppable wailing of babies),and as i grew up ,people around me made me cry at every little step that i took,and now that i'm into the last of my teens,i still cry,though tears fail me ,and thats the only difference...I've come a long way it seems!!

There are times when i look around and feel happy to see so many people surrounding me...but the harsh reality comes to the fore when they tell me how they actually feel about me...After almost a year and a half that i've spent in the hallowed portals of this cruel place called IITR,i've known many people...some have been really tough on me,and have been embarassing me publicly since then(though i dunno why!!).On the other hand there have been some people,who thought they could try a hand at social service by being particularly nice 2 me,but all the same ,even they think that i'm the crappiest piece of shit...It pains me to say that of all the above mentioned people (and any class that i omitted) ,i've been unable to make friends out of them..its always their shallow bodies that i've felt around me,not the warmth which i thought i deserved...God chose the allocation of hostels as my lesson,and i learnt it at once ,coz it was me ,with my loneliness sitting in the bhawan lawns,after all the people had mutually decided to go ahead with their groups without giving a head to it,and had divided the whole group into innumerable small parts ,and even as i tried to sew them together , i became the loose thread hanging out of the rug...That was the day ,i confess ,i tasted the sweet vodka and felt the nice warmth it gave...Since that day,things have never looked good for me...and i woudn't have been writing this blog ,maybe i wudn't have lived,had i not had the affection of my "few" friends in delhi...

Once again after a pd of 4 yrs of easy going ,life has failed me.. Once again i feel the need to meet that one person who gave me a direction to live ,who told me that life's not worthless at a time when i was on the verge of a breakdown...

The one who smiled and the world around us seemed to fade away ...And the one who taught me how to smile even in the worst circumstances ...Th e one who inspired me to be all that i am today...the one who held my hand and taught me how to walk over burning coal and a bed of thorns...

The one who hugged me and gave me energy which i can feel even today..

"And so i say a little prayer....

And hope my dreams will take me there ...

Where the skies are blue

to see her once again

Over seas to coast to coast

To find a place to love the most

where the fields are green

To see her once again"(WESTLIFE-"my Love")

And so as i turn 19,i make a promise to myself...to live for that one person once again,and to let the whole world go to hell...my search fr friends ends here ,and i will never look forward to having neone in my life,coz i don't want to hurt myself anymore,i don't wanna break my heart into finer pieces..

I'll live on with whatever i have

This is a new beginning

To look for a deeper meaning

and until i land in london,my heart will go on....


I was sitting on a beach one summer day,thinkin abt all the small happenings which make life so spectacular..I was in a very retrospective mood as i watched the low tides of the Indian Ocean wash down the sand on the edge of the beach and the clear skies of Mauritius,with memories of its extinct Dodos obviously provided an excellent picture...

My eyes caught up with 2 children,a boy and a girl,working together,trying to make an elaborate sandcastle out of the slippery sand ,with intricate designs,they made windows ,doors,towers and finallya small moat around it...I was impressed and happy too to see the 2 of them enjoying and relishing every bit of their creation...it was their own idea of a dream castle and they had succesfully put it into a reality..

Just as they started to dance around the newly built sandcastle,a big wave frm the sea suddenly washed away all their hardwork ,reducing the beautiful castle to wet sand...I expected them to break down,start wailing anbd cribbing over the mass destruction of their hardwork...but instead ,they smiled,looked at each other ,held their hands ,and went on to start their creative work all over again....

It was only then that i realized a subtle fact of modern life...All the material possesions,all the tall buildings and all the so-called "prestige" that we spent so much time and energy building ,and for whiich we feel so proud ,are all made of sand...One day the tide will come and wash away all that we thought was forever,and when that happens,only the one who has someone's hand to hold ,will survive....

In a nutshell,material posessions are very lucrative and most of us spend most of the time in their hunt,but in the process we forget the value of the possesions of the heart,our relationships,our feelings,abt the someone special and about those who need us....

I hope all this will change for the good if all of us can realize the fact that making sandcastles isn't what we were sent on earth to do....


In recent times,I've seen myself in the midst of most ,if not all, controversies surrounding my well-wishing,or so it seems, group of friends...and with due humility ,i would say i'm the one accused for their sufferings or taken as an alibi for their whims and fancies, which often ,they find degrading to their prestige(as if i never had one of my own !!).Therefore, I've found myself quite a lot of times in my loneliness, musing over the thought:

How Can I change The World
Coz I sure Can't Change Ur Mind
There's a Miracle I need now
Gotta Get to You somehow

And coming to think of it ,my soul gets filled with a plethora of emotions .For someone,who's grown up welling tears for his parents,seeing them fighting ,biting and throwing things at each other ,and who's seen that emotion,that strange sodden feeling of hatred in their animated eyes,it's really tough to see the same anger in the people u love the most !!its rather scary sometimes...Makin new friends is not a child's play,but i guess u just need 1 bad shot to lose em !!Maybe i let my tongue do the wagging at all the wrong times,but with no intentions of letting it go for the worse...Still i'm at a loss to understand why people fight,coz i guess one only realizes this fact when one is faced with it.

A stranger reading this space may not find the exact reason for my musings or may even find it crappy,but i guess one's who know abt it already will make some sense of it..not that i expect the people that i have lost in my lives to come back and tell me -"letz forget what happened and turn a new leaf"!!
But i guess my objective is to bring to the fore the fact that fighting or just shying away frm people who luv yz doesn't do any good ,and doing so without knowing the actual reason for it,foolishness...Relationships aren't forged with pig iron,rather there's this underlying bond which just can't be broken however far the people in question are frm each other.I know it sounds just too philosophical ,but i guess i had to write about the thing which scares me the most since my very childhood,and maybe i will succeed someday in making atleast someone realize how hard it is too part ways with someone close to u ..be it ur famile,friend,ur love or whatever!!


This is something i wrote out of utter boredom ,sitting in a boring lecture ,not that lectures are usually very exciting,but this one was particularly drab.I just wrote what came to mind at the spur of the moment so plz bear with me for all the crap and the lack of rhyme in what i call a poem...

One soulful night
Lost in the woods
I walk down amidst the chirping crickets ,
under the gory gaze
of owls and predators of the night
And with every careful step,
every beat of the heart
I pray to the heavens to give me
all the strength that could ever be
To walk on the path laiden with thorns
until the beautiful morning dawns

Lost in more than an uncanny thought
with wild imaginations my mind is fraught
I stop to see a strange phenomenon
Under the clear sky
with the moonlight filtered
from the dense outgrowth of the mahogony
I see a starnge figure
as if emerging from nowhere
Alas!It was a maiden i saw
And for the world felt real and the fesh was raw
I knew what I had seen
Wasn't just a dream

Her beautiful body
shining more brightly
than even the Kohinoor ever did
With a sunny smile and starry eyes
she made me wonder
whether it was my way
or my heart that had gone astray
I reach out to her
as my heart melts like unfrozen butter
And as our eyes meet
my heart skips more than a beat

But as i drown myself
into her flowery bosom
And hope this moment never cease
It all begins to fade away
I feel the sky falling down over me
And the wet grass beneath my feet
thransform into nothingness
I can't help but see
As the soul so near to me
just a few ticks of the clock ago
now disappears into a thin shadow
and slide quietly into a nothingness

I struggle to hold on
As I lie in my ignominy
Motionless and shocked
Only to realize
That all we see or seem
Is nothing but a dream
within a dream


Hey people ,this is my first blog and before proceeding to nething imaginative and creative ,i would like to thank all the people in my life without whom i wud not have been what i am today...my friends,family members ,and neone i have known even for a day,this is what i want to tell u..

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

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