THE SUNSHINE'S GONE...

Today as i lay in my bed,watching the rain and lost in wonderous thoughts about all the events of the past week(not that it was very eventful as i was in my room for most part of the week,down with cold...but i did suffer a few emotional setbacks as i usual do every once in a while)...i heard a familiar sound(shane of westlife),straight from my walkman(which is in my hands whenever such a situation arises...) ,singing out familar lines..

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
Before it's too late...

And for the first time in my life ,i pressed the stop button on my fav. band...I have listened to them fr most part of my life now,and there words have liberated me frm all the deep sadness filled inside me...but for the first time, the words seemed shallow ...For the first time after many years,i suddenly felt the need for a friend...Even tears refused to drop out frm my numb eyes...and my brooding became stronger as time flew...

I realized that lately i've been trusting too many people very easily,and putting a lot at stake..i thought i needed to make ammends ,but if only somehow i could rewind time as easliy as the tape inside my walkman...

As i turn 19,i try to see back in time...these 18yrs have taught a lot of things to me at a very young age, and i curse my childhood which was mostly spent crying...when i was a baby ,i cried out of sadistic pleasure(its my way to understand the unstoppable wailing of babies),and as i grew up ,people around me made me cry at every little step that i took,and now that i'm into the last of my teens,i still cry,though tears fail me ,and thats the only difference...I've come a long way it seems!!

There are times when i look around and feel happy to see so many people surrounding me...but the harsh reality comes to the fore when they tell me how they actually feel about me...After almost a year and a half that i've spent in the hallowed portals of this cruel place called IITR,i've known many people...some have been really tough on me,and have been embarassing me publicly since then(though i dunno why!!).On the other hand there have been some people,who thought they could try a hand at social service by being particularly nice 2 me,but all the same ,even they think that i'm the crappiest piece of shit...It pains me to say that of all the above mentioned people (and any class that i omitted) ,i've been unable to make friends out of them..its always their shallow bodies that i've felt around me,not the warmth which i thought i deserved...God chose the allocation of hostels as my lesson,and i learnt it at once ,coz it was me ,with my loneliness sitting in the bhawan lawns,after all the people had mutually decided to go ahead with their groups without giving a head to it,and had divided the whole group into innumerable small parts ,and even as i tried to sew them together , i became the loose thread hanging out of the rug...That was the day ,i confess ,i tasted the sweet vodka and felt the nice warmth it gave...Since that day,things have never looked good for me...and i woudn't have been writing this blog ,maybe i wudn't have lived,had i not had the affection of my "few" friends in delhi...

Once again after a pd of 4 yrs of easy going ,life has failed me.. Once again i feel the need to meet that one person who gave me a direction to live ,who told me that life's not worthless at a time when i was on the verge of a breakdown...

The one who smiled and the world around us seemed to fade away ...And the one who taught me how to smile even in the worst circumstances ...Th e one who inspired me to be all that i am today...the one who held my hand and taught me how to walk over burning coal and a bed of thorns...

The one who hugged me and gave me energy which i can feel even today..

"And so i say a little prayer....

And hope my dreams will take me there ...

Where the skies are blue

to see her once again

Over seas to coast to coast

To find a place to love the most

where the fields are green

To see her once again"(WESTLIFE-"my Love")

And so as i turn 19,i make a promise to myself...to live for that one person once again,and to let the whole world go to hell...my search fr friends ends here ,and i will never look forward to having neone in my life,coz i don't want to hurt myself anymore,i don't wanna break my heart into finer pieces..

I'll live on with whatever i have

This is a new beginning

To look for a deeper meaning

and until i land in london,my heart will go on....