ALL I DESERVE..

Don’t know why I’m writing a post today ,never really had planned to write one ,atleast not on this old blog of mine…but kinda felt like talkin to some1 ,how does it matter if it has to be this space on my blog….atleast its my own,and I wudn’t have to worry about it getting bored of my crap!!

Have had more than just a hard time since the past 2 weeks…kinda feels like I don’t know how they went by…dunno abt the reasons ,maybe the tests,or the following week when I was bed-ridden with above-100 fever most of the time,or the weekend which just went by-belying my hopes of a great srishti ,same as that which happened last time…Yeah,had worked hard to put those stamps in place ,and then to get things going for the exhibition even when I was down with fever..and had thought that probably srishti would rock enough to break the monotony of life that had somehow set in after the tests..
But somehow ,there was everythin except the glitz and the glitter that was inconspicuous yet fulfilling the last time around…had nothing to do but while away time all the 3 days this time,with an occasional call of duty,as was expected from the future joint secy of the philately section…knew that I would win this time ,but it wasn’t something that really mattered …just wanted to spend some quality time after a prolonged sickness,but seems like it was too much to ask for …just kept on thinking,rather recollecting some memories outta the great event that we had last year,and all the fun that it could spare us…Tried to take part in a few events which seemed promising ,but was unlucky enough to be held back for being there without a teammate…Thought they’ll show us something worth the try in the star gazing events –but what I got in the end was a small telescope firmly focused on the moon(as if twas sumthin too invisible to the naked eye!!),and loneliness atop that dingy ,open space above hobbies club-that too with all the lights closed and people listening to heart –wrenching songs at a volume which made it look deliberate on their part to worsen the mood of even the most jovial guy around…so jus kinda ran away …even the hostel tended to remain empty most of the time –with the gaming bug caught by the people and they,consequently ,spending larger parts of the weekend playing either cs,or the new attraction-aoe…dunno why they wanna dig their heads and hearts into inconsequential games all the time-I guess its ok once in a while or for recreation,or probably at times when one is feeling too frustrated with the inconspicuously boring life that we people are forced to lead here in roorkee…but to make it a daily habit is kinda degrading…Then somehow the great expectations that I had had with exhibition came down and crash –landed at such a swift speed that I hardly took notice ,but I think my digestive system kinda gave in –didn’t feel like eating all theses 3 days…was as it is in no mood in the afternoons to get back to my hostel 10 kms away –only to eat 2 small bites of that sickening sight called mess food,and then come back in that rotting hell called srishti-so preferred to stay put at whiling away time within hobbies club,and then in the evening got so late working and winding up the exhibit at night ,that I had to inevitably miss mess food…so it wudn’t be wrong to say that I’m currently starving ,but somehow don’t feel like satisfying myself with any kind of wholesome or unwholesome food…tried eating out 2day ,and that was something that I had decided I would do newaz-thought maybe would need the energy for the coming week and so I better fill up the tank,but almost threw up at the sight of food,and as a result ,came back in a situation worse even than was before…

Have won a lotta prizes today ,but still ,surprisingly don’t have that feeling of happiness that supposedly shud’ve been there…Then somehow realized that people don’t listen to me at all in any respect-not that I expect them to give in to my whims and fancies ,but hoping that atleast a polite request doesn’t go unheard isn’t too much I guess …And then I don’t understand what people have against me-even those who I don’t even know enough to hurt or with whom I cud’ve ever acted bad....Am I supposed to be the one to spoil the planz n wishes of the people around me??Maybe…bt that was never what I planned to do,or wud’ve ever thought of doing.. All in all,a pretty bad experience –now I think its better not to have any expectations from nething or nebody !!

There are so many things that I’d wish I could say-but I know probably people on the other side of the fence wont be able to digest it,and that scares me out,coz I somehow don’t wanna lose anybody outta the present lot of faces that are familiar ,or more than familiar to me…sometimes I wonder how it feels to be angry ,or to lash out at someone-coz its been quite a lotta time since I’ve done that…but maybe if I learn to be bold enough and say all that I want to at somebody’s face,only if I could ask the things that I want with a pinch of authority ,not caring about what else is happening around me,things would be a lot easier ,and then ,I believe ,people in general will change their ur’e-taken –for –granted attitude towards me …But somehow inspite of knowing all these things ,I prefer to be in the shadows ,sort of have got the habit of being kicked and pushed ,and know somewhere deep inside that its all I deserve,and all that I have ever earned…