A Criminals Guide To Courtesy

The readers of this blog and my dear friends will be glad to know that - given the recent spate of car blast attempts and other terrorist activities going on around the world in celebration of the "umpteenth year of the jehad revolution" and even as the Al Qaida struggles to formulate its own 123 agreement with the US to acquire the latest nuclear technology for a "rapid and succesful attempt at wipe out of human civilization"- i just wrote a complete book titled "Every Criminal's Guide to Courtesy",with the subtitle -"Tips for Terrorists and Deportment for Desperados" .The book will be made of specimen conversations to suit every situation. The criminal who buys ,or intends to buy,a volume of it ,never needs to fear the awkward pauses which so frequently occur when one is caught in the act of burglary or murder,or homicide,or even when one is one the verge of dying after a succesful attempt at suicide bombing the nearby grocery shop!!

I append a sample.We will suppose for an instance,that the terrorist wants to abstract a nuclear warhead from under president Bush's nose while he's sleeping comfortably in his appt at the White House and after a much life-threatening and excruciatingly tough ,yet succesflu attempt at evading the security with their sniffer monkeys in tow,he has entered the presidents bedroom and the following conversation takes place..

Terrorist(coughs)

Bush(startled ,or seems to be):Aye ,i say whats the matter ??? (starts snoring again!!)

[Terrorist(coughs again).Bush sits up]

Terrorist:(insiniuatingly):A thousand apologies ,my dear sir,to break in on that sleep,which as they rightly say gives u the energy to a lead a country full of buffoons like ye.But ,business is business ,and in these days of hustle and jehadi competition ,it behoves a man to be first in the race. Thus ,knowing the fact that allah-hu-akhtar-rahim-ul-rehman-e-rahim(a proffesional rival of mine) has his eyes set on ur nuclear warhead, I hastened to call on you before he could do so

Bush:Help!! Condoleeza help!!! Terror attack!! Save thy souls!! Bah!bah! Black sheep...

Terrorist:Please sir,may i request your honouerable tongue to save its honour and ,my rancour,and get back to sitting patiently in that mouth of yours,sir. I hate to talk shop,but i follow it my duty to tell u that my revolver is loaded.Shall we allow it to remain so??Precisely.To proceed then ,the fame of your nuclear warhead,my dear sir, has rung through the Islamic world. Every terrorist in the proffesion is after it.And when i tell you that i have had to bring myself up here through the bedroom window of a perfect stranger,sleepin in polka dots undies even when he possesses Tuxedos worth millions and pyjamas worth a collectors' dream, I need scarcely add further evidence of my eagerness to possess the treasure I have mentioned. You can spare a little of it. A remote control?? A cross-section of it perhaps??

Come this is niggardly my dear sir. To you it is luxury.But to me,it is a bare necessity. I'll tell you why.

I have my living to earn . How would you suppose I can keep my wife in the style to which she has been accustomed-wearing silken burkas made outta the hides of the rich n famous people of the white man's lands and dyed in black,and not just that ,wearing lingerie that would envy even the most dare -to-bare -with-arms-wide-open-actresses of hollywood- if every1 was as unreasonable as you?? How do you suppose I can let my son study in the most splendid terrorist school in the mountains,studded with fleash-eating fundamentalists as their proffesors,and ,who other than Osama as its principal....

Bush(interrupting and fairly startled): What ,OSAMA!!! What the....

Terrorist:Oh,come sir,now dont let me bring out my heavy rocket launcher -i'll not be able to bear its weight for long so it wont take too long for me to fire a flaming shot.So ,where were we..Ah!! yes,and how do you suppose i can buy the best AK-47s for my elder son outta the state artilery.
Now some people keep their nuclear warheads under the ----No??In the chest of drawers?? Inside your bum which seems to me a bit swelling right now?? Constipation,eh??

Bush(farting):Oops!!

Terrorist:(with an expression of disgust):Ahh!!U mannerless farting punk..How did you come to be the president,I could've been a better candidate! I can outdo you in farting any day!!
Now,my very dear sir,joking apart,where is it?? Did i mention the revolver was loaded?
Thank you,Thank you. Under that weird thing you call your bead.Ah!A thousand thanks to you sir. May i trouble you to give an autograph of yours on it,sir! My wife will be deighted to have it.Ah!! There..A million thanks,sir. Goodnite,a very goodnite to you
[exits through the window]

This is but one specimen. I shall spare no efforts in makin the rest of the book of equal merit .If after next publishing season,there remains one Terrorist/criminal who isnt a perfect gentleman,then it will be because he is too impecinous or too stingy to spend 1 dollars and 60 cents on the work authored by yours,AUPSY aka Ayushman Jain