(Note: Reader discretion required. This post contains explicit content and is strictly not permitted for the weak-hearted.)
It was after quite a long hiatus that I'd dressed up in proper formals, having missed the placement season due to my fortunate PPO. The whites and the blacks were good to wear for a change, but they reminded me of the dreadful ragging days, and of what had happened on my second day at IITR, way back in freshmen year.
Circa July 2005. Although there had been no official declaration, word was out that seniors had given out clear instruction- we were supposed to dress up in white shirt, black trousers, black shoes, no belts and that we couldn't carry any bags. People seemed to be a terrified lot, but I was chilled out about it, with a bring-it-on attitude up my sleeve. I didnt have everything upto the senior's specifications, so I picked up a white t-shirt, black trousers and sports shoes. So did many other people. Not because of fear, but just because nobody wanted to risk getting ragged. After sitting(umm...sleeping actually) through four lectures, I had no clue what lay in store for me when I was ambushed by two 'seniors' on bicycles ( a luxury we were not supposed to have for the first two months). I emphasize 'seniors' here because both of them were inches shorter than me, and I could've ripped them both apart with just 1 blow( well...thats what i'd like to believe atleast!!!). I looked around for some support among my batchmates who'd solmenly vowed to stand by each other whenever evil would befall. But here I was in the middle of the most tragic situation that could have hit anyone at that time, and if one didn't call it evil, it would be worse than blasphemy. I noticed how the vows were broken quietly and evry1 just vanished into thin air, just like they show in the movies. So here I was flouting the norms set by the seniors, surrounded by the lawmakers themselves. Without so much as a reading of my fundamental rights (and lefts), I was handcuffed(ahem...thats just to add to the drama), and taken into one of the hostels in which a freshman would find himself if and only if he was being ragged.
As I was dragged along the corridors of power (duh!), I noticed how spitefully the seniors lived. Narrow alleys with dim lighting and paint wearing off in patches, there wasnt even room enough for two people to walk together. Everything was strangely painted green- the windows, doors, almirahs, etc etc. What was more noticeable was the presence of a first yearite in almost every room. And with most of them down to there undies, the scene wasn't very pleasant. My dislinking was only magnified by the anticipation of what I was going to face in one such room. My wait wasn't long though, as I was ushered into a room where some negro from South india was already lurking, being ragged. Thankfully he had all the clothes on, or I'd have had nightmares every night. He seemed to be in a particularly jovial mood, as if he were enjoying everything that the seniors had been making him do. It gave me a ray of hope- the thought that i was soon gonna be let off mildly. It started with the usual song and dance routine. They asked me to sing some crazy song and the negro to dance on it. They didnt like it much though, so they stuffed two newspaper balls into the negro's tshirt, to make it seem like a girl was dancing. I was repelled at the sight of a negro being converted to a negress. It was only worse, and yet the idiot went on and humoured the seniors-changing his steps to suit that of a girl. I was happy with singing though when the seniors smugly suggested that I should take some advantage of the 'girl' dancing to my tunes. I acted confused, but they only made it more explicit- I was supposed to press the "imaginary breasts" and the 'girl' was supposed to act orgasmic (ewwww!!!! ). I did what they asked me, thankful only for I wasn't in the position of the 'negress'. They asked us some silly questions after that, and just when I thought I had my share of ragging and twas soon gonna be over, the two seniors who'd brought me in took me to another room.
A final yearite sat there squatted on his bed, with 2-3 sycophant third yearites around him, and right across stood this guy who had nothing on apart from a skimpy blue underwear. (Yes, blue. I remember distinctly!! :P ). Henceforth the guy will be referred to as 'muski'. The senior took an instant disliking to my tshirt and I was made to take it off. Well so much for decency. The two of us(me and muski) were then asked to recite as many curses as we could. I managed two, while muski could only manage a "gaali dena gandi baat hoti hai"!!! The seniors laughed, and so did muski. Now laughing while ragging in local parlance was known as 'muski', and there was an elaborate ritual for anybody who dared to do so- a ritual which was as obscenely funny as it was difficult. So that was it, 'muski' made a 'muski' and he had to pay for price. Ofcourse since he didnt know how to perform the ritual, he took a gud half an hour to learn and perform it. Wasnt all fun for me though, as i was asked to sit like a chair!!! Might sound crazy but yeah, its a real tough posture to maintain for half an hour !! We were then asked questions, and if we got the answers right we could wear one piece of clothing back, or else we'd have to take one off!! I dont remember all questions but there was one which was really absurd- "If your mother and sister lay naked and u had a piece of cloth with u, what would u do?" . I answered- "Tear the cloth in two, and cover both of them!". I was told- the cloth isnt that big, and so I'd to compromise with my vest... I was fortunate to still have my trousers though. I wondered what will happen if muski got the answer wrong!! I was in no mood to go throught that torture!! I held my breath and waited for his answer- but he jus gave out another muski...i was relieved. We were later told the correct answer to the question- "cover ur own eyes with the cloth" (duh!)
The seniors got bored of us after about like an hour and I was told to 'phantom'ise myself. That basically entails wearing one's undie over one's trousers. I was taken into a room where I could 'change'. I did as was ordered, and i looked damn funny. It was embarassing nonetheless. The seniors had a good laugh over it for some time. Muski still stood there makin another zillion muskis. They turned on some porn, and we were asked to enact the scenes!! Ahem...it was a doggy style scene, so we had to play both the guy and the girl's part taking turns. And not just that, we even had to "feel" as if we were actuaylly doing it... so we basically had to mimic the sounds and expressions too!! That was a big torture, esp with my phantom look :P
It was then time for the worst part- the buzzer round!!! We were literally qualining when it was told we'll actually have to do something, which till now was only a part of the legends that we'd heard back at the hostel. We had half a mind of bottling out and running away like chickens. Now, for the uninitiated it will seem a bit weird that i'm acting way too peevishly for another innocuous round of ragging. But then he/she doesnt probably know what the 'buzzer' is. Well, its that part of a man that defines his manhood. Now you getting it? So here we were, with the senior acting as quizmasters and two pitiable freshers with hands on 'buzzers', and not their own, but each others!! ewww!!!! I will forever be grateful to god that i had my trousers on !!! There was no escape- we couldn't afford to not press the buzzers at all, coz the one doing so will be let off. So the first question came in, and we hesitated, looked at each other, in a sort of trustful mistrust- a last cry of mercy. But that was it, I'd had enough and wanted out. So i did the dreaded- pressed the buzzer, and guess what- muski didn't give out so much as an ouch! His silence meant the buzzer hadnt been properly pressed, so i pressed it again.... and once again, silence. For a moment i doubted if at all he 'had' the buzzer.(i doubt it still - when wer'e gud friends!!). I made another go- this time it was a big blow- he couldn't stand on his feet after that....
There were a few more trifles that we'd to engage in after that, but after a period of 4 hours and 2 missed tutorials, we were finally let off. They say the purpose of ragging is to get introduced to seniors. But of all the seniors I've ever met and known at IITR, those that ragged me were never in the picture. Guess they could never even face me out of guilt, or just embarrasment. It wasnt the end of ragging for me though. It ended not until the dean and the director themselves had ragged me. As for poor 'muski', he got christened with that name after that fateful day, and thats what he's called even now. I just hope that his 'buzzer' is still intact though!!
It was different now that I was dressing up for the farewell. The memories seemed so old, and yet were so fresh in my memory. I'm thankful for that day because it taught me how life's gonna be for the next 4 years at IITR, and strengthened me to face it with elan. I'd been through a lot of things, and even as I strained my memory, there was hardly any thing worth remembering. The farewell seemed so futile, and the pics that we took don't mean anything to me.
Its all over and I didn't even turn back as i left the gates of IITR for the last time. Nostalgia seemed to have been asphyxiated by the bruises of time. The leaves of memory had fallen into the whirpool of destiny...
EIGHT POINT SOMEONE- PART 2
EIGHT POINT SOMEONE- PART 1
(Note: I dont intend to write a journal about my 4 years at IIT. There are only a few things are interesting enough to be told- actually its just one- ragging! The first part of the post is just intended to break the ice. All and sundry about ragging goes in part 2!!)
It was the same old hateful raajma, along with the same boring butterscoth ice cream, which had already melted by the time it was delivered to my seat at the mess. I'd decided to eat at the place that had feeded me for 4 years, and that I loved to hate, on the last day at IIT Roorkee, just for the kicks. As I ate the last piece of the chapati (thats what they called it, though i didnt figure from what angle it looked like one), memories from the very first day came rushing to me.
It was an excruciatingly hot n humid summer day. I was just a boy unprepared to take the reins of my life in my own hands and be dumped in a 'hostel'. A rank of 454 in the hyped up JEE had got me a course in computers at IIT Roorkee. Not bad. Not bad at all. That's how it seemed at that time atleast. It was a long and painful journey to the place which was gonna be my home for the next 4 years. I had never known a tradition much observed in our country before that day. During the last week of June, millions of bhakts (so to say) travel bare-feet to haridwar to fetch 'kaawad' (holy water) right from lord shiva's feet, and bring it back to their homelands before "shivratri". The indian govt., in order to keep its Hindu vote bank happy, shuts down most parts of the highway to give these bhakts a clear passage. Elaborate tents are set up at every mile and free food, water and bedding is provided to these people. So its basically not really a big sacrifice on the part of these 'bhakts' as it seems at first, but only an annual feast, a picnic they'd love to go on year after year. As a result of their devotion to lord shiva and the govt's devotion to them, the roads are closed and earthly mortals like us have to bear the brunt. Consequently, a 5 hour journey turned into a nightmarish 10 hour one. In any case, I thought thats probably the worst I've seen. But then I was goin to enter IITR, and the worst really couldn't have been defined at that time.
A day's work was what it took to clean up the shoddy room that was alloted to me at the hostel. Yet, I was happy that my rank got me the best possible room in IITR, and whats more, it was one of the rare single-seated rooms. I could have some privacy atleast! The room wasn't really what troubled me much though, it was the idea of common bathrooms and toilets that caught my fancy (or ill-fancy). I just couldn;t adjust to the fact that I wouldn;t be able to drop my towel after a nice bath and swerve to some music a la ranbir kanpoor. Weird right? Not really. But then I also had to survive the summers without so much as a proper fan. And i almost fainted in the evening when a swarm of mosquitoes n insects of all shapes and varieties came buzzing by, greeting every part of my body. I didnt know then that this was to become the routine for the months of july- october every year for the next 4 years. Adding to my suffocation was the dust, the bustling crowd of parents and all kinds of weird to-be hostel-mates.
We were all supposed to line up at 9pm outside the hostel for an 'attendance' as if we were in an army school. I was stupid enough to think shorts and sandals were good and comfy in that heat. I was made to run to my room to change them to something more formal, not together, but one by one...coz the warden at the hostel didnt had the habit of telling the rules all at a time, but in spurts!! The 'formalities' - attendance, proper clothes and shoes to the mess, continued for about a month. The attendance, which was kept as an excuse to make sure everyone was back at the hostel at night and was not loitering in some senior's room being ragged, was the first to be flouted. It was followed soon by the attire that one wore to the mess. The shoes gave way to sandals first and chappals next. The trousers gave way to shorts, and students doing so were given an apt term- 'kachchhadhaari'- coined by someone witty enough to do so.
It was only the second day when rumours of ragging had started doing the rounds, and stories of oppression were told in hushed voices, in the evenings when there was nothing else to do...
To be contd...
All (or something) about blogging
(If only life was this simple, and computers could demand a blog post and even suggest a topic...sheesh... though one day thats gonna be possible) ;)
Some people blog anything and everything under the sun, right from the time they wake up to the time when they get beaten up by their wives... though making ur partner's assaults on u does have its own advantages. Atleast its a good alternative to the govt's "ghantee bajao" andolan (oops...campaign!!).
Some blogs are like...ahem...i'll let the pic do the honours...
Some just do it to attract attention...
While some others are meant to hide the real identity of their writers and show them in a more desirable light to the blogging world...
I'll end with one question- What if the ten commandments were written on a blog?!! :P
Sapno Se Bhare Naina
Portrush Whiterocks beach was strangely silent. With the silence crept a strange uneasiness in him, maybe only because it made him aware of his own loneliness shrieking, crying and yearning for a prod, almost as if he was in an alien land. He sat in the company of the sea, the bright orange evening clouds and an irish coffee. It had almost become a routine. Routines... that he had so religiously followed all his life, and that now seemed so unimportant. Yet, routines were all that he was surrounded by again. The waves crashed with a thud on the golden sand of the beach, the water retreated and it all went on in an endless, untiring loop. The only difference- the higness or the lowness of the tide. He looked at the sea and felt its magnanimosity and power, and smiled as the thought came to him- how is it that the frickin moon can control the tides of the earth's powerful water bodies... how could it make such a mockery of water's kingdom, and play kingmaker from so far away! Such were the ways of nature. Wer'e measly earthlings... powerful and yet powerless, with our destinies chalked on a higher power's slate. With our voodoo dolls in control of megalomaniac demons who can twist and turn us any way they want to. And however hard we try and squirm to get free, there is no escape, for the world is a matrix running on a laptop with no "esc" key.
The limestone cliffs of the White Rocks stretched from Curran Strand to Dunluce Castle. The grassy knols with little, trembling blades of grass owed everything to the sun and the wind, before whom they bowed every sunrise and every sunset. A routine set quixotically and followed unreasonably. Just like his life. Just like everybodys' lives.
Twilight began to shroud not just his thoughts, but the horizon too. The horizon... where everything seems to meet. Only, it never does. He wondered how many horizons he had set for his life, and how naively he had run after them wishing to arrive there. But isn't it what makes horizons funny- you keep running after them and they'll run faster away from you. They'll elude you no matter how you plan to pursue them. And yet, that's what we mortals do the whole of our lives- run after dreams that never come true. All those times when he thought he did it, the satan laughed in the background on the insipid creature. There was a lot he'd achieved- the world's best degrees from the world's best colleges, a well paying job, and the praise of people around him. Everything tangibly possible to make him feel that the horizon's approaching, but nothing intangible to make everything meet. The best of the times had already gone by, all well spent in achieving, running, proving? Nah. He couldn't have been worse off. He wondered if he'd made the right choices, and yet felt as if he'd never had a choice. It may seem an esoteric notion, but it seemed to him that a new road had began at the end of every other road he'd ever taken. And now it felt as if he'd been cheated, brought back to the very place where he started from. All those times when he thought he was trying to change his destiny, he was just a train which couldn't make any turns unless the tracks turned themselves...
The ocean which had seemed blue-green only a few moments ago, was on fire with the descent of the twilight, with bright red-orange flames. He thought of how everything, and everyone changed colours, as if their insides were hollow and transparent, just a shiny reflective plate. He thought of all those moments when his friends had betrayed him, and those when he'd betrayed his friends. To mimic the ways of the world, to follow the golden rule of doing unto others what other do unto you...that's how everybody lived... that's how he'd decided to live. But it wasn't him. It was somebody else living his life, as he slept behind the veil only to be waken up now by the splashing waves off the rocks of Islay. But could he have lived without the veil? Or died a hundred deaths that could've disabled him forever? It didn't matter now. It'd have been the worth the risk. But he never tried. Bogged down by peoples' insanities and vanities. He'd thought what goes around comes around. But the love he'd given others had never come back, not even in dreams. Fair enough. What about those who were just like him? He'd brushed them aside unflinchingly, egged on by people who he thought loved him, but those who were only trying to change him as they pleased, never giving a thought about what he would want. And so those like him had faded away too, covered their hearts with stones, and shrouded their persons with the proverbial purdah. They'd forgiven him. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe they should never have. He wondered why it was that he could never understand people. Why, even though he knew so many people, he really couldn't see through them. It was hard to locate the flaw. But he knew it wasn't a flaw. He was just born human than many others, but the others made sure he becomes one of them, and he did.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out faces, worn out places...
Bright and early for their daily races
goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere...
If only he could 'paint a perfect picture' right now, it'd be complete with the golden sands, Shelagh’s Head, the Wishing Arch, Elephant Rock and the Lion’s Paw- headlands of distinguishable forms rising out of the ocean- a cozy bonfire, a couple of friends and her....
And then he thought of her... how much he'd loved her, and how much she'd loved her back... He'd always blamed destiny for taking them to the point of no return. Today he knew it wasn't destiny or the voodoo dolls. It was him. He came this far only to leave her behind. He didn;t find what he sought, and he lost what he had thought he had. He couldn't read what was so explicitly written in the stars. All those times when he'd been at Bunratty castle, he had hated what he wanted to love- those medieval banquets where immaculately dressed couples in ball gowns and tuxedos serenade each other like juliets and romeos. Hated them not for what they were, but because he could never be a part of them. He'd made a hundred pilgrimages to Whitefriar Street Church, asking St. Valentine- or whatever remained of him- to grant him his wishes, his love horizon... and so many times had even ended up cursing love. Everytime he left the place he smiled at what the Church was meant for- 'Seek.Celebrate.Curse.'
He was here, the place he'd always wanted to be... and yet it was just the place and nothing else... It was dark now... the fire in the sea had left a gory ash in its place...
Door hi se saagar jisse har koi maane...
paani hai woh ya ret hai ye kaun jaane...
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Pre P.S: Portrush Whiterocks is located in northern Ireland. Bunratty castle is one of the most popular romantic destinations in Ireland where a medieval style ball is organised every evening. Whitefriar Street Church is the place in Ireland where the remnants of St. Valentine are kept...
P.S: Its been a long tym coming... but i guess i didnt wanna write unless i really had time for it... and now seems like i never will have time !!!
P.S 2: Hope my old readers return...along with new ones ofcourse ;)
P.S 3: Sorry for breaking the dry run with an excruciatingly long post...But thats ma style!! :D
HONEY AND THE MOON
Her silhouette seemed a bit distant as she stood against the divine light that followed her everywhere. Her eyes, like two static balls fixed in their slots, trying hard to take in things she didnt want to see, and yet hiding the emotion, or the absence of it. The effort lay almost exposed through her drooping lids, as she slowly closed and half-opened them, trying to find comfort in her dreamland, which only a few minutes ago, had seemed so promising. Words, she tried to find but failed, as she realised the futility of putting life into alphabets and punctuation, that could never stand up to the emotions that are beyond one's very existence.
As he stood an inch away, he could feel the space between them involved in its own valiant effort to expand, and even though he knew how easily he could supress his enemy, he could see how it had began to dictate its own terms. He looked at her with a heavy sigh, at her reluctancly open eyes. It amazed him how blank they were, when only a few hours ago, they were brimming with such an eclectic mix of emotions. It amazed him how they'd lost their power of expression, when only a few hours ago the smile on her face had seemed such a lame effort compared to the brightly lit up eyes. Her visage, now, was a grim and ineffectual prison to the beauty that lay within, and one that had ceased to be coy - one that had been shot at innumerable times and at innumerable angles by an almost professional photographer that he'd recently found in himself. Looking at her beatific pics had become an obsession that had been his very own panacea in times of distress.
As she looked up for one last time before the lift popped open, the irrepressible urge to feel her lips on his came back like a spasm which refuses to die, even when it has been balmed over a hundred times. Self-restraint had never been her ball game, and this was one of those weak moments when "self" leaves one for its own selfish pursuits. He reached out with just a hand to shake, and as it touched hers the weakness of the moment dropped to an all-time low, and yet the lift door smugly opened its jaws, exposing the intimacy of a sweet act that the society has made out to be a shameful one.
She had never hated farewells upfront, but this time if only she could conjure up some energy, she'd surely be game for a one-on-one, even if team farewell was tagged with team fate. She felt the old laziness returning, and as her hand slipped away from his grip, the daredevilry found itself on the wane. It had not taken a lot of effort to learn the ways of fate, and when it comes to her life, fate had been quite unforgiving. She'd taken the stones hurled at her, along with an occasional flower, without any complains. What she was not used to was something being snatched away from her so cruely. Indeed, fate had changed its ways to magnify the pain, and reduce the moments of happiness to tiny specks on an empty canvas.
As she lost herself in the mirage at the horizon where her past and future met, he caught one last glimpse of her, and for once, he felt contented. The kind of contention that he'd felt when they'd both lost themselves to the pleasant toxicity of vodka. He had still not understood how she'd managed to do the most mundane of tasks- ordering pizza, when the 2 of them were so high that they'd brought the life around them to wonder if there's any worthiness in being sober. Every kiss, then, had seemed like the first time- the pleasure magnified a hundred times and then twisted by lips made wet by alcohol to give the feeling of pure ecstasy, and he'd instantly known how every emotion was as real under the influence as without it. She'd become a small kid, and yet had exuded so much sensuality that he'd found it awfully tough to restrict the free flow of emotions, and even sexual desires. Those eyes circling round the eyeballs, as if trying to hold themselves steady to let the world revolve in lazy circles, only to wake up the next day and find, instead, the fan above her heavy head, doing what her eyes had been doing the last night. TV cameras couldnt have afforded feeling bereft of such magnificience, as they managed to capture those big eyes and the cute sideways grin, that was mostly a result of a small doze of Pinacaolada at Cafe Leopold. That was her 60 second of fame moment, one that he wanted to be part of forever. He had been treated to those seductive eyes, with a viagra-effect again at Bandra bandstand, as he had to expend only a minimal effort to get her swooning over him, with every sound of the sea lashing against the rocks. He had loved to hold her swaying then, her whole body pulsating with happiness, craziness and loveliness, augmented by a few dozes of beer, topped with a blue lagoon. He was missing her, and her childishness, already...
She,meanwhile, had wasted no time in returning her faithfulness and attention to his substitute- a stuffed doggy that had been her birthday gift and whose neck she'd so cruely twisted in some fit of anger, when she'd mistaken it for her real object of affection, and had got so involved that it had taken her some time before she finally figured out her craziness. She lay there now, cuddled up with the doggy, in an effort to make her lover return out of jealousy, knowing pretty well that it won't need a photo-op for him to kno what she's upto behind his back. But then, it started to seem like an empty gesture, and as if the stuffed dog had feelings, she started to feel she's not being faithful to it, cuddling up and yet thinking of someone else, in whose arms she'd found her nights' comfort, and with whose kisses she'd began her mornings pepped. She let go of the dog and lay in emptiness, trying to conjure up the feeling of lying in his lap, with complete contentment and carelessness about the piercing gaze of the dog that lay neglected. Suddenly, the thought of the neglected sweetheart- the doggy made her embrace it all over again, as she caught sight of the christmukkah tree that they'd so lovingly bought and decorated with small silly shiny things. Sigh, how many neglected things will she take care of, without leaving herself in a state of neglect! In this life, she remembered, one must stop one's thoughts if one wishes to remain intact, or guilt, pity and loneliness would take everything, even one from oneself. Her eyes became blank again, but her struggle with her senses went on...
If you weren't real I would make you up
now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea
Looking for someone to trust
Without
A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night
anything,everything.... for you...
Monday, December 1, 2008
A life that's hard enough
and a heart thats weak enough
it sometimes doesnt make sense
why they have to exist in a bluff
coz when one's squeezed out of the other
it wouldn't matter why...
To the cussed life its the heart that beats for it
To the lame heart, its the life that oozes out of it
This way they go on for years
trapped in a cauldron
that makes the life dry, and the heart bleed
makin it seem like a comedy of errors
It takes love to come by
for the life to learn to live
and the heart to learn to beat
The heart tells love i'll do everythin you want me to
The life says i wanna be a part of you
and each day they keep falling in love with love all the more
the truce is broken, enemy lines are drawn
to have their own happy endings and rewrite tales of yore
My heart and my life still fight
but when love asks me what I feel,
I say love
When it asks how I know, I say trust
But its never enough
coz I alwaz lose to the showy brilliance of my heart and my life.
Everytime I wanna tell you
That its every little thing you do
that makes me fall in love with you -
There isnt a way I can show you
ever since I've come to know you
And its every little thing you say
that makes my everyday
But there isnt a thing I can point to
maybe its every little thing you do
Its quite a fight to keep one's dreams alive
when the heart and life want to tear it in pieces,
in a million crossroads when there should be none
if only there were signs to show me what direction i should follow.
If i'm so deep in my wounds, maybe i'll be gone tomorrow
hey love, i dont want you to feel my sorrow
It'll be enough if you could pick up the pieces....pieces of me
You wont know my mind my love,
Not that it would ever make a difference
my heart and my life will never surrender
even if you take them away from me
but i promise they'll be with you till the end
they wont let you down
They'll fight for you now, together
with unflinching and undoubtable belief
They'll take you to your happy ending
and if i forget to be there,
i'll watch from afar..
and be glad that more than a part of me
could be a part of what was meant to be...
FALLACY OF A FANTASY...
LET GO...
CROSSROADS..
The serpentine road lies ahead of me
naked, with its fangs spread out to curse and bite
I walk along melancholy ,with sounds of rustling leaves,
empty skies , and hardly any soul in sight
Maybe there is someone ,but I fail to see
coz the mirage at the horizon
hinders my vision, and retards my senses
What lies ahead i know not,
They say
Its the journey that makes the destination worthwhile ...
I like the road for what it is ,
it hides thy insanity and thy vices
and so I move on , until the knees weaken and the stance falters
until the walk becomes a monologue of empty thoughts ..
until the walk reduces to a crawl
Bruised and broken, but hopeful still
I move on,only to find not one ,but two...
Two serpentine roads opening up to a new horizon
disappearing, melting into the same molten pot
of mixed fortunes, mixed faiths ,and distorted realities..
Why the choice? Why the contradiction?
in the end, It will matter not...
Its right there in thy face...
mockin ,teasing and making thee aware
of the life ,the blood inside thy veins
caught right at the threshold of oozing out
as a sacrificial offering to the two serpants staring at me
I think I know which way to go
but they say
the grass is always greener on the other side
I try to hear the silence of my thoughts
but seems like theyr'e too smug and preen
they just blink like a cursor on an empty screen
I need an answer, a slight nod of the head
to reaffirm ,to reassure my broken spirit
I feel a hand in mine, like a lost companion returned
A beautiful pair of eyes intrude my hazy vision,
and a new breath reinforces my own
"it goads me on to pretend away the fears, of traversing a path untried..
of reaching for a destination unknown.."
I close my eyes for once
and let my companion guide me
not thinking about what is and what can be
But content in the belief that I tried
and my gloated ego for once i belied...
coz its said by those who ever won:
Theres only one rule on the crossroads...
Half done is not undone
~~Memoirs of the 6th semester~~
It seems its been ages since i last wrote a post , and so as i sit here once again typing away, i simply cant wait to complete this post and put it up, especially coz i dont know if this blog will survive after august ...i just wanna make the most of the 2 months thats left of it (maybe or maybe not... just a random thought that i might never update it after august...busy times ahead u see) ,and so i decided to start my new string of posts with my 6 monthly semester memoirs...
And what a sem it has been...so many things happened in such a short time... there's no sem that compares with this one when it comes to surprises shoved at ur face, be it not-so-worth -a-dime/ more-precious-than-a-diamond !!!
So once again, lets rewind a bit. It all started on that windy ,chilly January evening ,with the blower in my room providing some respite ,and my cold hands being terribly put to torture with the impending Economics presntation work that I was supposed to make the next day .I hardly felt like working and the though of going inside my warm blanket and enjoying the siesta was too tempting for me to want to do anything outside it. Then came the familiar gtalk mesg pop-up ,and my life changed forever...well, literally!!! I can hardly describe the next 4 hours (startin at 12 in the night) ,as I multitasked between my presentation and gtalk...only this time ,it wasnt any normal chatting ... I could never have imagined that it would end the way it did, or if anything at all would come out of it(except ofcourse timepass, or timewaste ,depening on how u prefer to look at it!! ) .But this very chat was supposed to be different from the very beginning. And till this day ,i'm amazed at how me and my tanhai made me win over love. Can't disclose too many details about the episode (somethings in life definitely are private!! ), but all I can say is, it was the most awesome start to a semester that looked so bland at the outset. If the starting was so good, nothing else could go wrong, and I'm glad to say as I type this post , that nothing did!! I hope you've by now already understood , that there's gonna be no tragic memories or preachings as in my earlier memoirs in this post. My date with love continues, and until it does, i'll be the happiest person alive!! :)
Moving on, this was the sem that generally proved Jag Suraiya's dictum - "only thing not in short supply is what in local parlance is aptly known as a bumboo. Which is only too frequently administered to our haplessly receptive backsides."
There were a lot of things that had the potential of making this sem regrettable for me too - the fact that I had so many responsibilities on campus ,couldve intimidated me and bogged me down . But, imagine the power of love, i sailed right through and also managed to take care of academics!!! Whew!! And talking about the responsibilites, being the Secretary of Philately and Numismatics, the Coordinator of the biggest event in the annual techfest, the Google Campus Ambassador,the innumerable efforts to get a good internship -there were just too many roles to play ,and that too squeezed within a 2 month bracket. Before this, I'd always thought that delegating duty and making others work is easier compared to workng for somebody ,but its only after I was at the helm of affairs that I realised what an headache it is to depend on others, incase you fail to have an inefficent team. And take my word for it, to be at a managerial position in an MNC will make sure your hairline recedes at the rate of 1 km per meeting!!!
I guess it was a very adventurous sem too!!! I undertook my mini adventure in february when instead of going home on my delhi visit ,I stayed back at my friend's place so that I could meet my sweetheart without any interventions and raised eyebrows!!
And hell, twas tough to hide my motives frm my friend's family and even my own family to an extent. Now what is one supposed to do when his friend's mom asks him why he's stayin at their place and not at his own house, when u dont have a clue about what ur friend has told his parents as the reason..what if one makes a contradictory remark and arouses suspicion!!! Phew!! I was fumbling with words at such a strightforward question. More so , what is one supposed to do when there's a child in the house - my friend's nephew in this context, and he- at the prospect of finding two two "Mamas" over the weekend cant take the shock of putting up with only one of them at once, and wants both as his toys(read both mamas)-that too when ur'e gettin late for ur date!!! Not only that, what when your friend's sister finds out about your motives, or atleast gets a slight hint ,and makes gestures every time you try n leave the house or demand a private corner for a phone call!!! One helluva adventure !! You bet I can write a novel which has more masala than Chetan Bhagat ever had in his "fiction" writings!!!
But that wasnt going to be the end of my adventures ... it was just an idle friday evening when we were musing about what to do on the last weekend before the onset of the dreaded end sems , when I struck gold with the idea of River Rafting in Rishikesh , something that coincidentally had been experienced by most of the guys this semester-but none from our group had been fortunate enough to be part of the travails. So after a string of yes' and no's and a lotta convinving , we had a heathy group of 15 people who were game to go farting ...oops rafting (actually that was an honest typo...but instead of deleting an d correcting , I thought its better to expose the kind of errors one can commit while typing , and what can happen if they are left as it is (no type of software will help u in this regard coz even farting is a correct word! :P )..can u see what mockery i'd have made outta this post had i not discovered my folly!! ) . We started early in the morning for Rishikesh ,although all of us were in a very bad mood ,coz we had just done what we hate most- woken up early on a weekend !!(Sleep for us is like that rare hottie on campus, we really dont wanna be disturbed while we're at it - god help if you if you are the reason for a date goin berserk or disrupting some1's sleep -makes no difference for an IITian. He'd look at you with such a piercing gaze that you'll whither with the guilt if u dont wanna be "bumbooed"!! ). So where was I...yeah ,so we reached Rishikesh in the morning and had a great time by the chilling waters of Ganga. (and I really mean it, one can almost freeze standing in the waters for more than 10 mins!!) .
Somehow the open spaces, mountains, and the river valley spelled freedom for us harried IITians, and we made the most of it ,just dawdling by the river. We didnt know what lay in store for us though , until we sat down on our rafts with our life jackets and helmets in place, and then there was no stopping us . After an initial lesson on rafting ,we were taken straight to our very first rapid , and gosh! its as they say- "fati padi thi" ,but while we were in that rapid, amidst the heightened fear ,we were looking at each other and askin in amazement -"Why am I laughing!!! "-with almost every1 chiming in with the same question!! It was a proud moment when we managed to keep the raft ,or ourselves from being compromised into the whimsical river and its gruesome flow .... but we couldnt hold on for long...as the biggest rapid came ,we were struggling to hold ourselves and the waves hit us fiercely , but in all the hysteria ,all of us saw one thing - on oar that was combating the river alone, without its owner, and thats when we all turned and saw one guy wasnt there in the raft !!! He somehow managed to appear just a second later to allow our hearts to resume its functioning properly, and the trainer caught hold of him and pulled him up !! Last moment casualty averted and we were all thankful for that. The guys face was horrid with the shock ,though once he recovered he said he had the most fun of us all -he actually swam in the rapid!!! To top it all was the jump from the 20 feet high cliff straight into river Ganga...doesnt look like much of a task when one looks at it from below, but when u reach the top and u brace urself to jump ,believe me, u feel like ure going to commit suicide -minus the depression!!! We all freaked out standing there at the top ,but the fact that a few girls jumped in front of us, we could not take an embarrasment ,and so the men moved on as if to save the last bastion of male virility -and in quick succession , we all jumped , and lemme tell u this, if u ever wanna experience ur heart skipping a beat ,thats the best way to do so. The jump lasted 3 secs approx, and between the 2nd and 3rd second, I'd closed my eyes and was packing my bags for my final journey to hell/heaven(whatever He deemed to be fit for me) -but then I heard a loud thud , and oh, what a relief it was to still be alive and kicking- the water that is!!! Pure fun -and that too all under 500 bucks...hehe!!!
Finally we had a tet-e-tete with end sems ,and that wasnt too easy for any of us , nobody had actually studied throughout the sem . But this was the do or die sem -the placements are to begin in december this year ,and this was the last sem which will make its grades counted before we get a job. So everyone seemed to be on a mission to save their grades ,and the last one week before the end sems saw heightened activity on the part of almost every person on campus .Even I ,for the first time, spent a few hours in the library -trying to make sense of how one is supposed to study in such pin -drop silence and an AC that seems to have been sprayed with sleeping gas!! Only on my part -it was an effort to escape the heat more than an effort to study!!! The proffs were too keen on showin their true colours all at once this sem ,and many of em just before the exams had reached such heightened levels of irritabilty that they'd put up notices outside their rooms saying-"CSE 3rd year students to stay away from my room" ,and one proclaiming -"MIT students are a lot better than IIT students " ...we agree with you ,ma'm ,completely , if only u'd have referred to MIT ,USA rather than MIT- Manipal Institute of Technology!!! Preposterous...we were in a state when we could nothing but think how on earth these proffs will ever give good grades to normal people in the class!!! Amidst all the fears , the end sems came , and went ...and now i dont give a damn about the grades..actually nobody does ,now that we're all happily interning!!
For the first time, I really didnt bother much about people around me , and though problems abound came uncalled for from many different people, particularly with one girl on campus threatning me to get me kicked out /suspended at the least(no dont worry , i didnt assault/evetease her, she just happened to be a victim of a theft that happened during our exhibition in which her valuable stamps got stolen-and i being the Secretary , evidently had the sole responsibility of the whole thing!!),and another person accusing me of unfair gameplay in the techfest ,I was in a quagmire for most part of the last 2 months. But luckily ,my chagrine was no match for my happiness at having someone special in my life .SO when I look back in retrospect , I have no qualms at all about the way the last 6 months have turned out to be!! I've changed a lot -and become a lot more optimistic than ever before... happys endings!!! :)
FAREWELL BELLS
Dedicated to all those whose smiles i'll see for the last time ...maybe...
Lets sit for a while ,lets stare for a while
Heaven can wait lets mock at it for a while
Lets dance for a while, lets dance in style
The music can play still for a while
We'll wait for the race we've won
they'll see our golden faces turned to the sun
come lets have some more fun,some more fun
before we call it a thing done
Let us die young or let us live forever
tomorrow is not in our power
sitting in the cockpit ,we know life's a short trip
lets just finally get a grip,get a grip
Sooner or later , We'll look back on everything
we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
Today lets dance again for a while, lets dance in style
to the tune of heart beats still thumping for a while
The beats are still young
there are so many songs left unsung
so many bottles left undrunk
Sooner or later they'll all be gone
Why dont they stay young, why dont they stay young
Lets bid goodbye in style dear friend
We were the ones who dared to break the trend
we'll dare to dance for a while, dance in style
to the tune of dreams bin' swinging for a while
Lets join our hands and walk another mile
the crimson sky awaits our exile
till the day we dance again for a while, dance in style
the farewell bells have bin ringing for a while ....
KASHMIR.....
एक जन्नत थी धरती के एक कोने में
himalaya के आँचल में छुपी थी एक वादी
एक नीले आसमान के नीचे
पंछियों की सरसराहट से गूंजती हुई
क्या सरहद और क्या धर्म
जिन्दगी यहाँ पानी में बहते शिकारों की तरह ही तोह थी ...
फीर एक दिन सब बदल गया
कइसी ने आग जैसे डाल दी हो
नर्म नर्म घास पर
वक्त की लड़ाई ने
लीख दी ज़िंदगी हर एक लाश पर ...
नज़र लग गयी शायद इस धरती को
अपने ही आसमान की ...
क्या गलती थी उन पंछियों की
जो हर बरस आते थे यहाँ?
मासूम थे वो ...
उन्हें क्या पता था
एक दीन उनके पंख ही काट दिए जायेंगे
जीन घरो की तलाश में वो आए थे
वह घर ही खत्म हो जायेंगे ...
जीन सरहदों का उन्हें होश ही नही था
वोही सरहद खून बनके यहाँ सबकी रगों में दौड़ेगी ...
उन्हें क्या पता था ...
की उनका आकाश ही उनसे छीन जायेगा ...
क्या गलती थी उन चीनार के पेडो की
जो खुले आसमान के नीचे अपने रंग बरसाते थे ...
मासूम थे वह...
उन्हें क्या पता था
एक दिन गोलिईओं की बरसात उन्हें छलनी कर देगी
जइस आसमान में वो साँस लेते थे
वहीं से बरसेगी खून की बारिश
कहाँ जाते वो चीनार
जो सरहद पर ही उग आए थे ...
क्या गलती थी उन छोटे बच्चों की
जीन्होने इसी धरती पर चलना सीखा था?
मासूम थे वह...
उन्हें क्या पता था...
की एक दिन जीन्होने उन्हें राह दिखाई थी
वो ख़ुद ही भटक जायेंगे?
उन्हें क्या पता था
जीन नकली बंदूकों से वह खेला करते थे
एक दीन उन्ही की गर्गराहट से वह कापेंगे ?
क्या येही था उनका jihaad ?
एक सरहद की खातीर अनदेखी कुछ लकीरों की नुमाईश
या दूर उड़ते परिन्दे को मार गीरा देने का एहसास ?
खील्खिलाते एक शेहेर को शमशान बना देने का एहसास ?
क्या येही था उनका शौर्य ?
देवताओं की इस ज़मीन को लहू लुहान कर देने का एहसास ?
या कुर्सियों की लड़ाई की खातीर धर्म का खेल खेलने की साजइश ?
सहमें हुए दीलो के दरमियाँ लकीरें खीच देने की हीम्मत ...
हान येही था उनका धर्म
जीसने शंखों की आवाज़ छीन ली ...
जो खून की नदी में कहीं डूब के रेह गया ....
DREAMS...
I dont really know what it means when we dream about something and I've never even tried ... there are so many things that've just kept on running again and again like a tape in my head since god knows when..... but then I also know they've always signified my deepest fears and worries ,only in my dreams theyve always culminated in different forms...
This is what came up when I tried to figure out what really they mean....
It was an apple that fell from a tree
I heard something hitting the ground with a thud...
Thats when I opened my eyes( or did I),
as I sat on a nearby bench , letting time pass by me,
content with the sound of the rustling autumn leaves as the rolled past my feet....
I was a bit unfortunate ,
having been brought into this world ages after Newton was...
the bastard discovered gravity first , else today twud've bin in my name....
my apple ,my gravity...
Bt all dreams cant be realised,n so i went back to my slumber...
I opened my eyes after a while(or did I?)
and watched a beautiful butterfly flap its wings out of its chrysalis...
preparing to take its first flight into this big brave world...
I tried to run after it ...i wanted to share this creature's beauty
i wanted to fill the sky with its colour...
but the soft earth beneath my feet gave way...
and I was falling into an inescapable ravine....
falling ...
Falling still.... till I opened my eyes and found myself on the bench...
with the fallen apple lying a few steps away...
I tried to gather myself... Maybe I was dreaming...
but ...but ...the chrysalis was still there,
and the butterfly..still struggling to come out...
I looked away ,not trying to believe my dream could come true...
I stood up and started walking towards a small lake
the blue water reflecting the sunlight and giving sanctuary to frogs ambling about frantically... I noticed another moat nearby...
with a shinier ,blue water ,and small lotuses growing out ...
I was thirsty ,I wondered where to drink from...
I had to make a choice,
and I took the moat 'coz it looked more appealing from the outside...
maybe its water was more enriching ,maybe it'd be more fulfilling....
maybe....
I bent down and took a sip ...
it was only then that I saw the weeds inside ,
and thats when I realised why it was a shinier colour...
I watched as my hands and feet disappeared into droplets of water,
and I rained down slowly into the moat....
my body became one with it ,
and the weeds were now my own to bear...
I tried to hold ... but it didnt stop...
I was slipping away still....
until I opened my eyes and found myself on the bench...
The apple was still hanging from the tree,
The chrysalis rested peacefully in one of its branches..
I looked away ,not trying to believe my dream could come true...
I looked at the lake behind me,looking as beautiful as before...
The moat lay still beside it....
I knew what to do this time....I had learned my lessons....
It was then that I realised...
All that we see or seem is
but a dream within a dream...
THE ASYLUM CALLED IIT...
STATUARY WARNING : IF youre in IITR 3rd year...i wouldnt advise you to read this post...still if you read and find yourself boiling , I suggest you take 1 tab Paracetamol (its an effective medicine for bringing down body temps!!) ... I do not wish to be approached for what I write here under any circumstance ,or at any given point of time.... Those about whom I write here will definitely know it ,and all I'd say is - I had immense pleasure showing you a mirrror!!! For every1 else and for those I wish would read this, this post should be a waste of tym..unfortunately...muahaha!!!
Hmm...51 posts old and my blogging frequency is already on the dowturn ...i wonder what brought me to this ....looking bak ,i used to be such an avid blogger....Maybe i shouldnt think so much ,considering whatever has happened since this year began has been positive and I intend and hope to keep it that way
So after a long time and after about 2 drafts that i finally decided to dump, i'm here with a KRAZZY post (minus the Hrithik and SRK "stolen" item nos.!!! ) ,and make no mistake...this aint no ordinary post...this one's the real expose on the frickin IITians ...well ,not all of em...bt the ones I wanna expose!!! :D
Mélange-(n)-a mixture, or a group of different things or people. This is how the dictionary puts it. One can’t help but wonder how apt it is to our lives ,such as they’ve become. The tumultuous yet carefree lives of IITians – a confused mélange of the possible events and the impossible castles in the air . A mélange of aims, aspirations and ideas –the common thread that runs through us and binds us all together .The mélange of courses and rigorous schedules wer’e put through.....
..... The mélange of sounds one hears entering the bhawan premises is something not to be missed- be it the cacophony of the 2nd yearites while playin cricket/football ( who seem to play less and scream more) , or the blaring sound of guns and ticking bombs (ohh…our hostel isn’t exactly a war front… ye sab to Counter Strike ki mahima hai!!) …the most gothic rock numbers to the most sober songs,and even the bathrooms in the morning when you get to hear the clear, unfiltered notes of the falling water, and the singer(ahem…bathroom singer to be precise) boldly holds his ground, in a mélange of all kinds of voices –the list just keeps on increasing( did I miss the chirping birds early in the morning…ohh most of us know it apparently, with all those night outs!!)
This is what I recently wrote for my hostel magazine ,and couldnt have articulated more perfectly ...the thoughts just flowed ,except for that first para where I was forced to mention how everyone of us seem to be in perfect harmony. Actually ,all through this article i wrote ,I've silently poured out my hatred for everyone out there (except a few) ,but written it so subtly that they'll never be able to see it through ...they do have a reputation of making a fool out of themselves ...they'll do that once again when they read this article and feel happy(oh I sure know they would ).
Before i let myself lose and let my emotions overflow, lemme introduce u to A New Breed abundantly found in my college -
1) The ALPHA IITian: These are the kind of people who'd be all over you when they need a favour ,and looking into their eyes will find you in hot water...literally!!! The amount of brotherly love and care they'd show in moments of urgency is amazing for a breed which tore away the pages of the dictionary which had these adjectives...or verbs...or whatever.... Gosh! they'll want you near em in the exam hall if they know u've prepared for the exam, they'll want your notes if u ever do make em, they'll almost lick at your feet for proxies... but ask for the same favour in return and the kind of look they give u will burn u into pieces at the place where u stand .Try and give them a taste of their own character ,and u'll have to confront their inflated ,and now bruised -EGOs!!!! And ego here is in the real sense of the world ,which ofcourse isnt the proper way in which it should be defined!!! (i'm the most egotistical person u'll come
across ,if only ego could be defined the way I want to!!! hehe!!)2)The BETA IITian: These are the kind of people who'll pretend to their capacities to be the best of your friends ,and would assert it time and again by saying and sorry and getting away with it and then catching you by the collar and asking you for forgiveness... With them u'll wish to plead for mercy just when u see a slight hint of it in their eyes... They'd be sugar coated nice to you when u talk to them ,but behind ur back they'l bitch about u... when in a group ,this breed tends to isolate you and join the whims of the whole group ,esp when theyre directed entirely against u!!! Moreover, they are characterised by their sadist natures which is fed on the gullibility of a chosen few....bloody parasites.... :P
3)The GAM
MA IITian: This breed is not too unique and wouldnt come as a surprise coz this is what every IITian is to the outer world... A ghissu (read bookworm) .... These are the people who are so proud of their high CGPAs that they almost wanna trample upon the feet of their not so blessed counterparts. They'll not wanna discuss with u matters pertaining to academics ,and hence ,they wont discuss anythin with you ,coz they hardly,if ever talk about anythin other than academics. They'll rightfully hold their heads high when the results come out ,and would give a dirt sideways glance to all those 8 or 7 pointers standing in the vicinity ,and would leave with a fart of loud chuckle at their face . They wouldn't help one pass an exam if the unlucky one happens to be outta their league ,and would come up with awsome excuses for not having helped. If only they could realise that every1 in IIT is worth an ounce of his brain and can study the way they study (if only he wastes lesser amount of time in doin unnecessary jobs!!) ,this world would be such a better place to live4)The FIITians: Well...this refers to the non-existent ,or call it rare if that comes as a consolation- female bree
d . I do not incude this breed here just for the heck of it. I say this is rather the most hated (by me!!) breed here. With 7 guys' hostels and just 1 of the opposite sex, they sure have guys swooning over them in large flocks ,and this is what has given them the luxury to take every guy for granted -coz most apparently ,when there are too many things of the same kind
, each one of them becomes less precious!! And oh, this breed is so characterised by the absence of any bond ,any respect for people of its own kind. I fail to understand why- girls here dont get along well together (dont eat my head if ur'e one of the exception kinds!! :P ) .If only ,someone could tell them how they dont deserve a pinch of respect for the kind of pride they have in their behaviour ,and that they cannot hold the entire institute to ransom just coz theyr'e rare- things would pretty much make a lotta sense!!! Phew!!!5)The CHOC-A-BLOC IITians: Hmm...in other words ...people like me...together constitute 1% of the population here!!! Wer'e the ones wholove ourselves ,and who're trying to love everyone else around them. Most of the times its a futile effort and we end up falling face down ,but we still dont lose hope ,and thats when we collide into each other - finding solace in each other's warmth... talking (literally) about all those mundane things that make life so beautiful (and ugly as well ).... for once we dont have to thin about what we speak.... we let our hearts do the talking...and leave our minds to rest for a while...we meet as infrequently as rain in a desert ,but when we do ,people cant help to notice the kind of energy we radiate ...be it just another talk over coffee,or a dance at the fest ,we love to let our hair down ,for all to see...I hope we can be good examples for people to emulate...till then, we'll rejoice in the recognition of each other and an acknowledgement of the other's presence...somewhere... :)
On second thoughts ,everyone is a different person ,everyone has a choc-a-bloc "them" in themselves...they lose their identities somewhere along the way in a bid to get along with people and gain larger acceptance from society . I dont know why but this trend of being in synch with "what people say" is ruining the very nature of people in this place, and in all my efforts to find exceptions , i'd say i've hardly (and most fortunately for that) found just about a couple of them...
There are so may people who're finally bidding goodbye to their college this year ,and I see so many happy memories splashed across orkut ,or blogs ...I see them share the same camaraderie with each other as at one point (and even now) i shared with my school mates. And i keep wondering-will I ever be so emotional about the last 4 years when i finally punch out of IIT...will I want to remember the people around me and capture their gleeful smiles on the reel?? Will I have atleast a "few" memories that I'd wanna live out in the last few days?? And the only answer that comes out is a big NO... i'd rather leave a dark black hole to fill in these 4 years of my life... I used to wish if I could rewind my life ..but now I wish I could just forward it by one year!!!
