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phewwwwwwww.....thats all what comes out when i try and speak somethin tonight....
Have bin awake since what seems lyk eternity now,and i know that my organs are gonna kill me if i dnt see the face of my bed soon...but frankly speaking, i'm not in a mood to do so....just wanna have a cuppa hot coffee and a muffin ,and someone to talk to,as i bid farewell to cognizance 07....
Lookin at myself in the mirror yesterday..
n was freaked out to see the image...
was it me or was it someone else??
I remember a guy with small eyes
with big dreams in them
trying to stand on his own feet
crawling,scratchin himself
but trying ,trying everyday to conquer the world
with all that he could do
with all he could think of
was it me or was it someone else???
A smile that could never fade
An attitude that could melt a million hearts...
With a lot more than just bed n baggage
he stood there at the gates of IITR...
A new world beckoned him..
He knew this was the time
the day that he had yearned for
and not a single speck
could blur his vision...
A vision which he long had
since the day his father pushed him out of the house
he knew he'd go one day...
and now the time was nigh...
Was it me or was it someone else??
He got a world to live,
a life to lead...
He got people to meet
and jeers to heed...
He got weeks to hate,
and weekends to love...
He got fame and endless names,
but not for once that elusive touch of happiness
He tried to make the best of it...
and got through the worst of it
but the tide of time could not carry him through
locked up inside that hole,he dreamt of flying high one day
those dreams nevr came out true....
He'd got nothing to do,and nobody to talk to
On memories he lived,on dreams he survived
Mistakes he did make and couldnt rectify
coz he had crossed the line too far
entangled in the web of his own ignominy
he lay there wondering
Was it me or was it someone else???
He wished an angel
in its arms he could fly away from here
from this dark cold room
and the endlessness that he could feel
To be pulled from the wreckage
of his silent revery
In the arms of his angel
He would find some comfort here...
The angel never did come
and trapped in his solitude
he lay hopeless ,his eyes bleeding with the thought...
Was it me or was it someone else??
The pages of time turned
and took him into a new world...
a world which was anything but ordinary
a world full of new people....
the stories he heard,and the laughter that reverberated inside him
all seemed to be so invigorating,so sweet
he couldnt help but let himself lose
and let him know how it feels to back in the race
to be back in the crowd
to be back with his smile
for a while he was the king
everythin seemed to be so god damned rite
Was it me or was it someone else?
He knew it wont last long
"all good things come to an end"-they say
He knows now he's got nothin to expect
friendship isnt a word in the dictionary here
He's sick of being left out everytime
he's stuck inside a world he hates...
He's sick of everyone around
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies...
Everythin has come around
He knows now God must hate him
He cursed him for eternity
Was it me or was it someone else???
Lookin at myself in the mirror yesterday..
n was freaked out to see the image...
coz there's somthin so wrong in me
that i've got to live with
The times are a changing
With the spring in the air,
n pretty girls are everywhere...
Alas!!there are somethings which would never be there...
I wish i could write my story and have everything
forever and ever and ever
A story where nobody would bid goodbye...
But i still dont understand-
Is it me or is it someone else???
Me Or Someone else???
ALL I DESERVE..
Don’t know why I’m writing a post today ,never really had planned to write one ,atleast not on this old blog of mine…but kinda felt like talkin to some1 ,how does it matter if it has to be this space on my blog….atleast its my own,and I wudn’t have to worry about it getting bored of my crap!!
Have had more than just a hard time since the past 2 weeks…kinda feels like I don’t know how they went by…dunno abt the reasons ,maybe the tests,or the following week when I was bed-ridden with above-100 fever most of the time,or the weekend which just went by-belying my hopes of a great srishti ,same as that which happened last time…Yeah,had worked hard to put those stamps in place ,and then to get things going for the exhibition even when I was down with fever..and had thought that probably srishti would rock enough to break the monotony of life that had somehow set in after the tests..
But somehow ,there was everythin except the glitz and the glitter that was inconspicuous yet fulfilling the last time around…had nothing to do but while away time all the 3 days this time,with an occasional call of duty,as was expected from the future joint secy of the philately section…knew that I would win this time ,but it wasn’t something that really mattered …just wanted to spend some quality time after a prolonged sickness,but seems like it was too much to ask for …just kept on thinking,rather recollecting some memories outta the great event that we had last year,and all the fun that it could spare us…Tried to take part in a few events which seemed promising ,but was unlucky enough to be held back for being there without a teammate…Thought they’ll show us something worth the try in the star gazing events –but what I got in the end was a small telescope firmly focused on the moon(as if twas sumthin too invisible to the naked eye!!),and loneliness atop that dingy ,open space above hobbies club-that too with all the lights closed and people listening to heart –wrenching songs at a volume which made it look deliberate on their part to worsen the mood of even the most jovial guy around…so jus kinda ran away …even the hostel tended to remain empty most of the time –with the gaming bug caught by the people and they,consequently ,spending larger parts of the weekend playing either cs,or the new attraction-aoe…dunno why they wanna dig their heads and hearts into inconsequential games all the time-I guess its ok once in a while or for recreation,or probably at times when one is feeling too frustrated with the inconspicuously boring life that we people are forced to lead here in roorkee…but to make it a daily habit is kinda degrading…Then somehow the great expectations that I had had with exhibition came down and crash –landed at such a swift speed that I hardly took notice ,but I think my digestive system kinda gave in –didn’t feel like eating all theses 3 days…was as it is in no mood in the afternoons to get back to my hostel 10 kms away –only to eat 2 small bites of that sickening sight called mess food,and then come back in that rotting hell called srishti-so preferred to stay put at whiling away time within hobbies club,and then in the evening got so late working and winding up the exhibit at night ,that I had to inevitably miss mess food…so it wudn’t be wrong to say that I’m currently starving ,but somehow don’t feel like satisfying myself with any kind of wholesome or unwholesome food…tried eating out 2day ,and that was something that I had decided I would do newaz-thought maybe would need the energy for the coming week and so I better fill up the tank,but almost threw up at the sight of food,and as a result ,came back in a situation worse even than was before…
Have won a lotta prizes today ,but still ,surprisingly don’t have that feeling of happiness that supposedly shud’ve been there…Then somehow realized that people don’t listen to me at all in any respect-not that I expect them to give in to my whims and fancies ,but hoping that atleast a polite request doesn’t go unheard isn’t too much I guess …And then I don’t understand what people have against me-even those who I don’t even know enough to hurt or with whom I cud’ve ever acted bad....Am I supposed to be the one to spoil the planz n wishes of the people around me??Maybe…bt that was never what I planned to do,or wud’ve ever thought of doing.. All in all,a pretty bad experience –now I think its better not to have any expectations from nething or nebody !!
There are so many things that I’d wish I could say-but I know probably people on the other side of the fence wont be able to digest it,and that scares me out,coz I somehow don’t wanna lose anybody outta the present lot of faces that are familiar ,or more than familiar to me…sometimes I wonder how it feels to be angry ,or to lash out at someone-coz its been quite a lotta time since I’ve done that…but maybe if I learn to be bold enough and say all that I want to at somebody’s face,only if I could ask the things that I want with a pinch of authority ,not caring about what else is happening around me,things would be a lot easier ,and then ,I believe ,people in general will change their ur’e-taken –for –granted attitude towards me …But somehow inspite of knowing all these things ,I prefer to be in the shadows ,sort of have got the habit of being kicked and pushed ,and know somewhere deep inside that its all I deserve,and all that I have ever earned…
WALKIN IN THE RAIN.......
After the normal embarrasing routine,the proff proceeded to the rest of the roll list,and i suddenly remembered ,one of my classmates had a b'day!!So i decided to wish him,but followin the style that the others have adopted ...as soon as his name was called,i started singin a bright-"happy b'day to u" ,and surprisingly the rest of the class followed,nd the proff clapped too!!
Twas raining heavily by now,and it had become dark and gloomy...bt i waz atleast happy dat i managed to do somethin atleast fr the b'day boy!!And as usual ,am not expectin nethin in return,not even a chappo!!
Yes ,this rain is different today ...and as much as i luv the rain,i wish i had somebody to walk with by my side....somebody's shoulder to cry on,and somebody's smile to rely on....or just somebody to read dis post...
I think i can write ne crap now...as much as i wish....coz i know no1's gonna read this space nemore.....so wid all due respects to my not-so -appreciable talent...here goes another of the crap masterpeices
Here comes the cloud again
With a crack of lightning
To show this nasty world again
Behind it ,there's no silver lining
Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
it never forgets whot I've lost
And as real as it gets
my future died in my broken past
Ring out the bells again
a shattered cry of restlessness
Coz the ground is numb again
With the raindrops that washed my tears
The sun seems so far again
The clouds are now thundering
The sound of rain i hear again
But i dont hear anybody singing
The air is now pure again
But i cant seem to breathe
Guilt is what i've earned again
walls of attitudes choke my heart
Walkin in the rain again
I let my soul drift,
my road thins to a zinch
Memories that haunt again
were never meant to be....
IF ONLY....
Have been kicked out of class for the umpteenth time 2day...for being exactly 6 mins late...Have no other option to pass time ...so once again ,as is my habit,i'm day-dreaming ...but damn me,coz i know hw dreams never come true ...but i say,does it even matter ??The world is as u dream it to be,and i guess there are somethings i wish could have been true....
If only,miracles could happen on earth...
If only,the sky was green and the grass was blue(ah!!but this might be possible someday wid new technology specs!!)
If only,einstein and newton were never born(hehe,there wud've been so less to study,rather nothing at all !!)
If only,B.Tech course was only a year long (imagine gettin a job at 19!!)
If only,mobiles were never invented(this ,i think,has a lot of implications... definitely agree that mobiles hv helped me keep in touch wid every1 around or even far away...bt its so much better to talk 2 a person rather than pass on dumb sms's!!)
If only,the sun never came out the rain never stopped(hmmm...v cud cry fr hrs widout ne1 noticing!!)
If only,all our prayers could be answered...
If only,the Indian team could win every world cup(now dat isn't superficial ,who knows ,it mite just be possible someday!!)
If only, a heavenly voice could tell us things that the people around us have been hiding ..
If only ,people stopped bitching about each other (oh,i forgot ,hw'd the girls survive!!)
If only,there was someone to read the crap on this blog...
If only,i could stop talkin crap stuff...
If only,i could have someone to hold on to...
If only, i could speak my mind..
If only,I had been less blind...
If only, things could never go wrong...
If only,gud things never changed...
If only, i could be less optimistic about life ...
If only,i could have somebody's shoulder to cry on ,and someboday's face to laugh at!!!!!!!!!!!!
If only, someone could see things from my perspective,and stop being so selfish...
If only ,there was a GOD i could talk to....
If only ,people never changed their attitudes...
If only,people stopped takin each other for granted...
If only,I could have a friend who'd never say-"time does seem to pass kinda slowly when ur with him"...I shud rather say,if only ...i could have a friend who remained a friend...
If only,we could light the flame of compassion without getting burnt and bruised...
If only,we could see our future...
If only,dreams could ever come true...
INDIA POISED...
Dunno why i'm writin this post,and havn't even written sumthin like it b4,but i guess there ae sumthin's which i think I'd be proud of even in the worse situations-
"There are 2 Indias in this country.
One India is straining at the leash,eager to spring forth and live up to all the adjectives that the world has been showering upon us recently .
The other India is the leash.
One India says ,give me the chance and i'll prove myself.The other India says ,prove urself first and maybe then u'll have a chance.
One India lives in the optimism of our hearts.The other India lurks in the scepticism of our minds.
One India hopes.
The other India wants.
But conversions are on the rise.With each passing day,more and more people from the other India have been coming over to this side.And quietly ,while the world is not looking,a pulsating ,dynamic,new India is emerging.
An India whose faith in success is far greater than its fear of failure.An India that no longer boycotts foreign-made goods but buys out the companies that make them instead.
History ,they say is a bad motorist.It rarely ever signals its intensions when it is taking a turn.
This is that rarely-ever momen .History is turning a page.
For more than haf a century,our nation has sprung,stumbled,run,fallen,rolled over,got up ,dusted herslef and cantered,sometimes lurched on.But today ,as we begin our 60th year as a free nation,the ride has bruought us to the edge of time's great precipice.
And one India -a tiny little voice at the back of the head-is looking at the bottom of the ravine and hesitating.
The other India is looking up at the sky,and sayin-Its time to fly"
The anthem,as the TOI guyz call it-of course fr them ,its just another campaign...but the emotions that this anthem has evoked in people would go a long way in makin this country a plce to proud of...
Waz in delhi fr the extended weekend,around republic day ,that is...And that waz the time when this campaign found its really meaning...This R-day was different,it was more than just the parade,the national flag or just a holiday...twaz a day of reckoning,of beleivin that India is finally wakin up nd preparing iself fr the big flight...
Amused me a bit ,at first ,this campaign...but the vigour it brought to the countrymen this R-Day was unparalalled...For the first time ,people actually took time out to gauge the country's performance n almost every sector,nd the future prospectz...and it wudn't be wrong to say that each one of us could proudly beleive that we have contributed in a respectable way by our own standards...be it efforts at a socio-economico-political level ,or a smaller level...Frm taking our satellites succesfully to space,n being granted the US nod fr attaining nuclear proficiency to providing education to children everywhere,we've done it all...
Many things happened which nobody had earlier thought possible...wat started off as a plead of "justice 2 jessica" became a public furore ,albeit a unque way-through candle light marches and sheer voicing of public opinion...
A bill for OBC reservation made a few people venture out into the open with hoardings of protest ,but with the youth charged up wid d spirit of "Rang De Basanti"-it turned into a widespread movement ,a movement whch swallowed not only "students " but the most elite ones,frm the premier medical n engineering colleges of the country...with a protest march turning ghastly n endin in cruel lathi charges,people frm all over the country became one in the fire that raged within...nd frm the ashes was born "Youth For Equality"...nd hunger strikes,nd many more protest marches followed....so wat if we cudn't change the law,atleast we now know that we have the potetial to move mountains....
What started as a survey fr public display of affection (PDA)in its real sense, n its risin popularity at our place,with people gettin more n more comfy with their loved ones nd the dirtygazers turning into "let-em-be "ers,went on to the extent of PDA fr the country,and we suddenly started wondering why wer'e hesitant enuf to sport the national flag on our sleeves,or carry the brand India everywhere with elan!!!
The spirit reached its zenith this R-Day...India poised camps were held at the garden of five senses,ndpeople thronged in large numbers...not only that,i also saw a large no. of people walkin around the beautifully-decorated central secratariat,baskin in the glory,enjoyin their republic's 57th year with ice-creams,nd the chill wasn't enuf to stop them...
For once ,it made me feel proud to be an Indian once again,and think it well to beleive that our future's secure in the hands of our motherland..although the very next day ,when comin out of a crowded metro seemed impossible,it was me who fumed-"Is desh ka kuchh nahi ho sakta!!!"
If Tomorrow never comes...
I'm so tired of the straight line
It ain't no good worshippin
For all that i've been blessed with in this life
So if i die tonight
CAN'T SAY GOODBYE...
This is gonna b my last poem ....hv lost more than just the inspiration now...
Here I'm standing like an open book
In front of you - my page is turning
Pick a chapter , and take a look
What do you see
Maybe now you're learning
My heart's breaking only you can stop
The pain I feel, I can't give up
I ask the question that I need to know
Won't you listen to me
Please don't walk away - leave me behind
With these crazy feelings
No one is to blame - ain't that a shame
But I still believe in you
You're the one i call-"friend"
That is why I just can't say goodbye
Here I'm lying in my bed alone
What do I feel - another page is turning
Once again another chapter's closed
And in my mind I see our bridge is burning
I am falling and I can't get up
Seems so far to reach the top
The way I feel for you will never stop
Won't you Listen to me
Don't wanna walk away
Don't wanna let you down
Don't wanna see you crying
Just wanna see you smile
I'll never walk away
I'll never let you down
I'll never leave you crying
I just can't say goodbye
coz you're the one i call-"friend"
MY PAST LIFE....
Was just a bit bored today, nd nthin else to occupy my mind, i thought a little surfing wouldn't be of any harm...Was just browsin through the endlesness of wat i ,and many others who'd agree with me,call my second home-the internet,second only to mother earth, when i came across this weird lookin site-http://www.thebigview.com/pastlife/index.html.
It promised to tell me who i were in my "past" life using just my birthdate in my "present life"..
A laugh full of sarcasm reverberated inside me,and findin a great opprtunity to amuse myself,i entered my birthdate,and pressed the "Diagnose"(!!!) button...
I expected to see some details like my name in past life,occupation,how much i earned ,where i lived,how many wives nd hw many children i had,how i looked like,etc etc...I mean ,it would've bin fun dat way,would've bin even better had they shown me a pic of myself in the so-called "past life"...What i got was this(watch out fr ma comments in the brackets)-
"Your past life diagnosis:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male(*thank god thtey didn't write a dinosaur or to make it worse,Adolf Hitler!!*) in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Hungary(*my my ,i was a hungarian !!*)around the year 1775. Your profession was that of a leader, major or captain(*whoa,can hardly think of being d captain of anythin else than our E&C deptt cricket team..*).
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated(*wonder why talents had to wait 200 yrs to come to the fore,i mean if they never really were visible in my past life,how does this bloke of a guy knew they were inside me!!beats me!!*). Sometimes your environment considered you strange.(*Oh!yeah,ppl must've bin wonderin hw a brown guy was born in Hungary!!*)
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:Your main lesson is to develop magnanimity and a feeling of brotherhood. Try to become less adhered to material property and learn to take only as much, as you can give back.(*was i some kinda gangster dat i realized in d end social work is my only liberation!!*)
Do you remember now? (*Absolutely,everythin is so damn crystal clear now!!Thnx fr tellin me,i'm off to Hungary to find my roots!!*)"
Whatever it was ,it serioulsy brought a big grin on my face ,and as usual i began to think a second aspect of it-even if its the only time that we've bin born on earth,we lead many lives in a single lifetime itself....
And even though the site gives crappy insights into somethin that might never have existed at the first place,it made me think about my own past life ,
someone that i was only 4 yrs ago,
someone that i was before the transition took place ,
someone whose reflection in the mirror cursed nd chided him,
someone who had suppressed the real me someone inside the depths of his soul,
someone who had forgotten to smile,to love and be loved,
someone who hadn't seen life beyon the comforts of his home nd the confines of his school,
someone who was dependent on every1 around him fr every bit of his life,
someone whose life was as colourless as a black and white tv,
someone who had been so laid down by a closed door,that he cudn't see the other 2 that had been opened...
bt it seems now that with a whirl of time,everythin has changed,that some1 has changed into a completely different person,and left that past life to decay in the gutters of time...
one who tries to match his step with the ever-increasing pace of this world,and picks himself up whenever he falls in the race...
one who perfectly identifies with his own reflection,smilin nd scowlin at it at the same time,
one who dreams a lot,and looks forward to makin em come true...
one who sees somethin good in everything that happens,thou sheds a tear or 2 fr everythin gone awry,
one who enjoys the melancholy of the sound of the tree leaves when he's walkin alone
one who firmly beleives in god n never asks Him-"Why me??"
One who thanks Him for His angel ,
one who sees love in every small thing,
one who pushes thru the darkness,coz he knows his destination makes it worthwhile,
one who's been a pawn,a pauper,a puppet, a pirate and a king...
I dont knw how many lives i'm gonna lead in my lifetime,and how many roles i'm gonna play,
bt i just know one thing ,each time i start afresh,i'll thank god fr the "past life" coz without it i wudn't have bin able live thru the present one...
SWEET NOVEMBER...
It's never too hard to find the words
The words to say to you
You make it so easy just to talk
The way we talk things through
You're never too tired to care
You're never too busy to just be there
And when I smile my feelings show
So everybody, everybody knows
Lookin back on d memory
of d dance v shared 'neath the starts above
I remember my frnd say-"lets jus go upto where those 2 girls r "
(He's a 10 pointer,these were lines he wasn't suppose 2 say)
and me say-"Let them be,theyr'e prob enjoyin,who r v to spoil d fun??"
Bt somehow,he vanishd and left to myself was I
No other option in sight,i sneaked into the merriment
twas jus the company i njoyed...
You say my bad times kicked off d day v talked,
bad times they were
Cleaning the room till 2 in d nite
With A+M written on my wall
was no fun at all
but never ever had i thought,
that those 2 words,or more as u said would carry us this far
you were surely the one who kept the strings intact
How else wud i hv known that there's somebody who keeps knockin on my backdoor
nd who remembers me
fr the chocolate i sumhow had to give
to any girl dat i cud see
how did i kno dat you'll be the 1 to drop by??
The trip we did take
nd many a smile did u fake
bt i didnt give up coz somehow i did feel
that sumday,it wud turn real
Real is it,i still dont kno
Coz how buffs smile isn't my expertise!!
You say i've crossed the line
bt everythin still seems so foggy
nd i wish i cud've more time
to see thru the real u
And2 see things the way u see
You make me feel funny
When you come around
Yeah that's what I found out
You make me feel happy
When I leave you behind
It plays on my mind now
What am I doing without you
Just wana tell u...
We got a little world of our own
I tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
i never kno why
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
i never kno why
I wanna thank you for this smile
But I don't say this much
It's usually not my style
I was sleeping and yesterday
You gave my world a shakin'
My eyes are open wide
And even as i type ,
a song plays in the background
Maybe quoting it wud help me write further-
"I can't imagine any greater fear
Than waking up without you here
And though the sun would still shine on
My whole world would all be gone
But not for long
If I had to run
If I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers
Just to climb a thousand walls
Always know that I would find a way
To get to where you are
There's no place that far
It wouldn't matter why we're apart
Lonely months, two stubborn hearts
........."
coincidently apt lines,they may be...
Srry fr dat short commercial break...
just wanna remind u once again-
"Softly the leaves of mem'ry would fall,
Slowly i'll gather nd pick em all..
Coz 2day,tomorow,nd till my life's thru,
I'll always cherish knwin some1 lyk u"
I often wonder why,
Someone as flawed as I
deserved to be written about
Funny how life can be so surprisin...
dunno hw the better angels of our nature
after a long fight with our inner demons
bring us back into our senses...
and make us see
things v never earlier beleive
Dunno hw 2 continue
bt its alwaz the best feelin
to see things from somebody's eyes...
to put it in words is the most difficult task...
Its the end of an year,
what unexpectdness lies ahead,nobody knows...
forgive me if i've said sumthin wrong all thru
hope i get the message through...
SPIRIT OF YULETIDE..
Isn't it simply great...as the world celebrates and parties,i'm typing away to glory...
The autumn leaves are falling
the church bells are ringing
the angels are singing
and the world is brimming
with joy and laughter
Another christmas comes by
and the children's grins are oh-so-shy
as they wait for santa in his sleigh to mistify,
their world which forever had seemed so dry
The christmas trees decorated pompously
and the brownies n puddings baked heartfully
the presents exchanged cheerfully
and the children playin gleafully
Gimme a reason to lose myself
in the spirit of the yuletide
People celebrating far and wide
transcending all boundaries and every tide
from this spirit nobody can hide
with this thread every soul is tied
On his reindeers ,santa would ride
and gift a smile to anyone who cried
While the shephards watched their flocks by night
they saw a bright new shining star
they heard a choir sing a song
the music seemed to come from afar
A King was born, the legend says
Jesus Christ was he,nobody else was at par
The reaths at every door hanging,
The cribs and the bells so invigorating
tell the tale of times fascinating
and the Krismukkah festivities neverending
On this auspicious day I feel
my soul blessed wih ultimate zeel
To offer my prayer i kneel
my spirit ,i hope,He would heal
In the pain of my silent revery i reel
Would the angels take me to a place so real??
And as everyone gets into hues red and white
i lie emotionless in my sleepless slumber
Ain't there anybody who just might
knock on my door and show me that light??
the love that would feel so right
and releive me from this sorrowful plight
A silent night,a star above
a blessed gift of hope and love
Joyous songs & christmas cheer
the spirit of yuletide is everywhere
"Bah!Humbug!!"-I would still jeer
coz i'm alone and nobody's near...
CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!
Another of my lame attempts at poetry ...It seems now i'm gonna break all the records of writing most number of crap poems within 2 months...Bt still if u find sumthin gud,don't hesitate to encourage me to go on and break dat record!!!
In the morning full of sunshine
he wakes up to the sound of birds chirping
For every touch of the autumn winds felt so fine
he had no reason at all to be complaining
But compelled was he
To interpret those dreams
which in his slumber had made him see
valleys of flowers,snowy cliffs,fruit laden trees,
all things bright and beautiful,and free,
and flowing from the mountains ,evergreen streams
The moon so pretty
and beyond the sun brightly shining,
the oceans so mighty
and creatures great and small whining
He wonders why he can't be there
where the skies are blue and the fields are green
He wonders why dreams are never true
And why there ain't memories and moments so serene
Why the river always flows to the sea
Even though he's thirsty and broken
Can't neone see??
Or to wash away the tears with which his feet are sodden
as he fought for things never meant to be
With craziness perplexed
He sees new hope in every dawn
But he still feels vexed
coz in life's cruel game,he's just a meaningless pawn...
Angel!!(copyright-shubham khurana)
I don't usually do it..but there's a first time for everything...I read this beautiful poem on shubham's blog and just fell in luv with it...nd somehow it also best describes my position(rather disposition)...i cudn't hv put it in better words....so here i am copyin the entire thing...well shubhi dude,i'm ready to face the gallows fr copyright infringement,but i can't keep myself frm puttin up ur creation here...But u can also consider it a free publicity...with all due respects to the masterpeice,here it goes...
"A canvas, so lifeless,
An artist, so lone,
An angel, he painted,
An angel of his own.
On the creation, he smiled,
His heart no longer at strife,
The last stroke of his brush,
And the angel came to life.
She gave him a world to live,
Emotions to feel,
She gave him a life to love,
Also wounds to heal.
A friend to rely on,
She gave him joys to share,
Times of his sorrow,
She always was there.
A smile on his lips,
Countless tears in his eyes,
Every feeling to remind him,
Yes he still survives.
She gave him a reason to sleep,
And a day to wake up to,
A kiss to set him ablaze,
Some magic her embrace could do.
Everyday he used to paint,
In blues and reds and yellows,
The colours of life,
Of love and sadness and mellows.
Till the day she became too real,
She had to be set free,
To teach the world to love,
And left to himself was he."
Everybody's in love...
It was another normal day of the autumn semester break,when frustated IITians from all over the country decided to hang out at the colonial times' splendour -our very own CP.And when i say IITians frm all over the country ,i literally mean it,coz there were ppl frm as near as IIT Delhi,our very own IIT roorkee,IIT Kharagpur, to as far as IIT Guwahti...Yeah ,it was our fiitjee batch reunion which keeps taking place after every gruelling sem ends and every dilliwala is back here ...
We had decided to catch up at PVR Plaza ,although none of us was in a mood to watch a movie...I was travelling in the metro after more than 2 months ,with my earphones tugged properly ,blaring out the sweet voice of the chirpy RJs...After much time, i saw many beatiful maiden around me,but nah!! i reminded myself of my vow-staying away frm girlz fr some time now,though i know i wont beable to keep it fr too long..As usual ,i was the first to reach and instead of waiting fr others just idling around ,i entered a nearby music world store,after i had given up a call to every1 to rush up.After making sure that Westlife's new album had reached Indian shores,i browsed some other english music cd's...As every1 showed up one by one,we talked for a while(the usual IIT bakar,the gruelling end sems,and the sex-ratio frustation..) and then made our way to the nearest Pizza hut to have that usual pizza...After taking about half an hour or so deciding an ideal order so that we could eat well and still end up walking out without having to wash dishes ,we called up the by-now frustrated waitress(wer'e IITians,we take our frustrationwherever we go...) and ordered 2 meals for 2,and asked her to swap the soups with cold-drinks...we were taken aback as the chinky-eyed waitress replied in her typical accent-"we have lots of soups ,and they are very tasty...so we can't swap the soups!!!"Whoa,what a reason for not being able to swap those fucked up soups with the universal coke...Whatever,we sat again and put our IIT brains at work once again to decide something out of the box...only to come up with 2 familysized pizzas...We ate ,talked a lot about our very similar schedules(this is india-unity in diversity,remember???),about our similarly screwed up end sems,and many other useless things...We went out of the place after 4 girls had just rung the pizza hut bell,and heard almost equally enthu and polite "thank you's" frm thestaff...and expecting to get the same treatment ,we guyz also rung the bell one after the another...and by the end of it,we were standingoutside the door,asking each other,"Hey,didu hear any thank you's??" ...Every1 of us had a good laugh...lets face it,we were a group of guyz,and who cares to answer 5 assholes ringing the bell !!!We strolled for some more time at cp,wondering about unusual things,and throwing that occasional curse on the punk with a beatifulgirl tugging at his sleeve every now and then ...
I thought the day 's gonna be over widout anything eventful happening and just as me,along wid kunal and anirudh made our way to themetro station,kunal somehow jumped and wid a slow whisper ,said-"Look ,rastogi !!"(rastogi'z one of my best frnds btw) I turned aroundand almost spun 360 deg in an effort to locate wat kunal had just seen...and finally saw him on the escalator going up ,while we were going down...But the thing that amazed me and kunal was that he wasn't alone...rather looked really absorbed conversingwith this girl we didn't know....i mean ,i didn't know how to react coz he's the kinda guy who wudn't come to ur b'day bash if u told hima girl is coming,and would not say a single word to a girl until just a few months ago...But now a seat in IIT D had changed im to the extent that when i called up to him and wanted to talk,he simply said-"We'll talk later ,main ghoomke aata hun..."Even as kunal laughed,i was hurt ( wat wud u do if ur best frnd ignores u fr a girl!!)...and we suddenly started talking about how this guy had been transforming frm a no-holds barred teatoddler and anti-girly to a completely abnormally normal "delhi"guy -mostly seen around with girls!!Suddenly ,the topic of our conversation shifted to girlz...with anirudhh baba commenting-"yaar dont u think girls become too seriousabout every relationship...if u wanna go around with em,they would straightaway think of marriage,they would get senti on every issue,suddenly become too frank to tell ya about all da probs at home...and blah blah blah..."That was enough"pravachan "for the day...But he continued.."i had such an experience this year,and i had to dump her..." ,and the usual boastful self kunal ,chipping in withhis,"hey ,i dumped one too becoz of the same reason....",and even though as i knew it was coming,they both looked at me suddenly,askin ,"what about u"...and me not wantin to talk abt the subject ..."yeah...maybe....well...mite be...i dont know...",and the 2 laughingheartily,"poor you ,not had the experience till yet..."(hehe very funny...),and the topic dragged on till i reached my station...
I waz wondering once again..."
why was i chosen ,
why am i left without??"
As the old leaves fall in the autumn,
love is blooming on the barren trees...
And as i watch all this happening outside my window
I feel everybody BUT me...
seems to be so in love...
I'll Be There For You...
This is for every1 and any1 who has bin there fr me,and will always be there,and fr those who matter.....
Someone sumwhere
is feeling lonely
Someone sumwhere
needs some company
Someone sumwhere
needs someone badly
But when it all gets too much...
You can put your head down
on my shoulder
for a little warmth
when it gets colder
I know ur'e there for me too
So i'll be there for you
When i needed some distance
to find another road
Coz its not so easy
to find another home
I was broken
and i knew it
But i just cudn't seem to find
another way
I'll be there for you now
As you had been till the end of the day..
There's a long road ahead
It stretches out for miles
If u need some company
I'll walk with you awhile
Your'e waiting for the change
Your'e waiting for the day
But now that you remember
I'll do whatever you say
I'll be there for you
i swear
Anytime you want me
i'll be there
Time and time again
Until you understand..
When u feel like crying
I'll be the tissue to wipe away ur tear
When u feel the need to talk
I'll be there to lend u an ear
I'll be your symphony
when ur'e surrounded by agony
and this world's cruel cacophony
I'll be your wastebox
when u feel the need to dump
all your pain and frustration
and in moments of triumph
I'll be the one to help u lift your trophy...
But just remember when it all gets too much...
You can put your head down
on my shoulder
for a little warmth
when it gets colder
I know ur'e there for me too
So i'll be there for you......
~~Memoirs of the 3rd Semester~~
The end of another sem,
another milestone achieved...
It all looks simple and straightforward,
Yet every other thing i'm gonna say
is intertwinned with so many other things
which i won't ...
This was the sem that finally brought us back
to the stinking halls of the E&C deptt...
to the wooden chairs of the big lecture rooms..
And all that ,after comfort of the DOMS sofas
after the relaxed periods of slumber in the posh and airy hall.
One which brought us to new faces(read proffs)
and even those that r gonna suck our bloods
for the next 3 yrs...
One which brough many a conspiracies to the fore...
one where we had lots to gossip about..
One which introduced us to "counter-strike"
and the endless addictive nights we spent
either planting or defusing bombs
until we never knew it was the next morning...
I dedicate this sem to "people"...
all kinds and classes of people...
and the endless hours of bakar...
To the old "friends" who've faded away sumhow...
to the "new" ones that've made their presence felt...
and to the ones that are still holding on...
To the small community that we've created at rjb...
To the people who gave me a new nickname-"aupsy"
after all those distressing nicknames i had to live with in 1st year
To the endless hours i spent at nesci...
(fr that i'll like to thank my mom,dad ,my paltu kutta tommy ...
Nahh!!!I just wanna thank shubhi and preeti...)
Even though my first year count stands at 5 hours
(can't beleive it ...well,even i can't!!)
To the endless hours i spent bickering away
on topics far more irrelevant
than any important work at hand...
To all the gf-bf talk that i found myself thrown in
and to all the matters which i made worse
(my orkut trusty ratings say it all..)
And not to forget to all the profs
who reduced my brain to a peice of shit
and who forced me to read sidney sheldons and P.G.Wodehouses
in more than a given lecture...
And today as i pack my bags
I strut em with more than the usual stuff...
I take home more than just the inseperable laptop and mouse....
I take home memories(for the first time at IITR)
of moments gone by ,words left unsaid ...
situations went awry and the friendships that went sore...
I take home ...
all the luck that ppl wished me dis sem...
all the night-outs and skipped breakfasts...
all the chapos that i was entitled to this sem(surprisingly though)...
all the endless hours spent writing endless codes of C++
with the orkut window minimized and regularly updated...
the endless no. of holidays that we got
and the endless bus journeys we took back home
and with that the endless no. of muvies
seen on the bus T.V.("balma" notwithstanding...;0)..)
the diwali celebrated pompously
with crackers and diyas and candles and a DJ(and a lost purse)...
the thomso that followed
and the hysteria that accompanied
the groves and moves of melange and salsa
the MTV cameo wid none other than Braocha
the 4 days of of dj
and all the new moves tried and tested
the expected and the unexpected companies
and the happy pictures painted....
The b'day bumps i got
and the pain in the ass that i can still feel
And finally...with the end sems that screwed us royally
everything feels just so real...
Not to forget all those things which i did fr the first time at iitr...
Of course the 3-0 clock sleeping schedule...
The try at being the next sampras
when i could hardly hit the tennis ball to the other side...
The endless hours spent watching "friends" and "O.C."
The life with braces
which left me(the erstwhile Mr. thomso finalist... ;o)...) in titters
and the target of more than just somebody's jeers
The childhood prayers sung at school and
now after a gap of 2 yrs sung at the church..
The endless no. of b'day wishes..
and now even a b'day gift!!
From all the things mentioned above
and everything that feels so great
i head back
to the city of lights...
the city of the metro swirling by...
my city...saddi dilli
To have my eternal brownie
and looking forward to all the unexpectedness
that lies ahead in the bewilderness...
100 BUCKS FOR "KUCHH NAHI"
I'm in a daze....or so to say....
Its almost the end of the ever-dreaded and endured end-sems ,though there's still 1 more to go,but having crossed the threshold of 4 back-2-back-ones seems to have given me a new energy...even though i'm feeling sleepy,a little pissed off but my hands are itching to put pen on paper (or fingers on keyboard...or...cut the crap)....Its just one of those when i'm imagining weird things and having blasts frm the past (Wat wud u expect a sleep -deprived person to do,have slept less than 10 hrs in the past 96(plz dont fascinate urself wid the peculiar shape this no. makes here nd howz it gonna be if the nos. are reversed...bals bals bals..) hrs and here i'm sitting at the cc typing away to glory...Nd it was jus one of the moments when u sit wid a fat book in ur hand ,pretending ur'e studying but actually thinkin of everything under the sun(or under the moon),that i was thinkin how nice it could've been if i cud treat maself to my fav . brownie wid choc ice-cream at the Baskin robbins(nt that we have one in this village called roorkee,bt how does it matter -i hv the advantage of being a "dilliwaala"!!)....nd forgetting the pain of my end-sems gone berserk wid that oh-so-yummy-thingy....when i just had a blast frm my "ice-cream past"...Nd i thot its sumthin interesting to narrate....So here's how it goes...
It was a day in the summer break when i suddenly felt sitting at home is takin a toll on me and instead of doin sweeping and washing in the absence of the house -maid,i shud've bin doin sumthin more productive,and hence i decided to proceed with the only plan at hand -a call center job!!!I looked up in the day's paper and as expected saw innumerable adverts,and one that particularly interested me was one in janakpuri D.C.,ya that's right ,the same suicide towers of delhi..(i wasn't ofcourse in a mood to explore greener pastures in far of places like south delhi)...i instantly made my resume with the all-helpful Microsoft word,and called up mr. kartik to ask if he shared me predicament at getting a summer job..Nd getting a partner-in-crime helped me make up my mind to go ahead...
I left home as soon as possible even as my father tried to stop me-"beta,mummy needs help and i have to go to work.."Do hell with the help,i had had enough of it already...
So me and my not -so-prepared (with a hand-written resume sticking out of his hands nd me commenting-"this is what ur'e gonaa give them ,huh???")and completely blank looking partner took a bus to the D.C.(strangely,we didn't know that even the metro was an available option...)
and a ended up all sweaty just in time fr the interview(after ofcourse a McVeggie nd pepsi),only to discover that we were supposed to be interviewed at a dingy ,dark place with no power !!(it looked more like a place to commit petty or even big time crimes or maybe the strangehold of one of the mafia's)...So we were there,being the first ones to be interviewed ,and being asked those expected questions like-"temme about urself" to which my very efficient friend replied-"i'm kartik" ..and the interviewer kept starin at him,expecting him to speak up some more of his divine words..I curbed my laughter wid a low smile..only to be asked myself-"describe me the events that u did yesterday"...as if i was the perfect party blooper and had so many things to gossip abt in ma life...i mean it was odd enough to describe her how i woke up in the morning,brushed my teeth and blah blah!!Gawd,i felt like a complete ass!!
But it was surprising when in the end,she offered us 3 companies,and volunteered to call us up after sumtime(never knew her sumtime woud be 2 months!!)
Happy and content,we went out of that dreary place called vishal tower(it was only in the evening that we came to know that a girl jumped off frm the same tower while we were being interviewed ...i guess she got fed up with our answers...lol!!!)....and since the hunger and thirst had returned back after the tiring(hehe...was it??) session ,we decided to have muffins and mocktails at Muffins etc. ...and volunteered to get back home after that ....Thankfully ,we even caught sight of the metro just as we were about to take an auto for a ride back...
When back,Kartik told me about this cool ice-cream parlour called Giani's which had just opened up at prashant vihar and we decided to check it out...and as we walked into the shop ,i told myself that i had already spent much and so i didn't intend to spend another penny!!As we took a good look at all the different kinds of ice-creams , the shopkeeper seemed to have got suddenly impatent at the sudden arrival of the 2 onlookers...and popped us the expected-"What would u like to have ,sir??" and we promptly echoed back="kuchh nahi!!"...What we heard in reply stirred us up a bit..."100 bucks sir!!" and we heard the sound of that billing machine coming into action (even it seemed to taunt us as we tried to make head of what the guy was upto!!)...
We protested ...."100 bucks for what ??"
And before even we could hear a reply ,the tender handed us a yummy-lookin never seen b4 kinda ice -cream...i wudn't have bothered a bit b4 putting my tongue on to that sweet ,sugary ic,but this time ,it wasn't just making sense...
We looked at each other ,then at the ice -cream(rather drooling over it) and then at the shopkeeper and echoed-"humne kaha tha hume kuchh nahi chhaiye!!".
He promptly replied -"to aapko humne kuchh nahi diya na sir!!"
And i was like-"then whats this???" pointing animatedly at the ice-cream in my hand.
The reply was -"Kuchh nahi!!"
Thouroughly irritated by now..."dude,u've just given me an ice -cream and cut a 100 bucks bill fr that ,and u say u havn't given me anything!!!"
He laughed ,the other guy laughed too,and many hotties in the vicinity laughed away too...i thought maybe i was loosing my mind becoz of the heat ,and pinched myself...but it was actually happening...
Then a voice called frm my behin to get me aware of my surroundings again,and pointed at a particular ice-cream ..I looked at the label and it read-"Kuchh nahi, Rs.100 "
Still not getting the hang of the peculiar name ,we joined in the laughter ,but then i managed to ask the guy-"why such a name???"
To which he promptly replied -"Sir,lotz of ppl like u come here just to see and not to taste ,and when we ask them what they would like to have ,we mostly get to hear -kuchh nahi...its becoz of dat we came out wid an innovaytive idea to have this special ice-cream...."
Nd that was the day i decided i will never say -"kuchh nahi" again in my life....Who knows i mite have to pay a fortune the next time....;o)
Keep smilin and keep singing-
"i scream ,u scream
We all scream for ice cream"
And now u know jus what i meant in this post-"kuchh nahi..."
THE SUNSHINE'S GONE...
Today as i lay in my bed,watching the rain and lost in wonderous thoughts about all the events of the past week(not that it was very eventful as i was in my room for most part of the week,down with cold...but i did suffer a few emotional setbacks as i usual do every once in a while)...i heard a familiar sound(shane of westlife),straight from my walkman(which is in my hands whenever such a situation arises...) ,singing out familar lines..
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
Before it's too late...
I realized that lately i've been trusting too many people very easily,and putting a lot at stake..i thought i needed to make ammends ,but if only somehow i could rewind time as easliy as the tape inside my walkman...
There are times when i look around and feel happy to see so many people surrounding me...but the harsh reality comes to the fore when they tell me how they actually feel about me...After almost a year and a half that i've spent in the hallowed portals of this cruel place called IITR,i've known many people...some have been really tough on me,and have been embarassing me publicly since then(though i dunno why!!).On the other hand there have been some people,who thought they could try a hand at social service by being particularly nice 2 me,but all the same ,even they think that i'm the crappiest piece of shit...It pains me to say that of all the above mentioned people (and any class that i omitted) ,i've been unable to make friends out of them..its always their shallow bodies that i've felt around me,not the warmth which i thought i deserved...God chose the allocation of hostels as my lesson,and i learnt it at once ,coz it was me ,with my loneliness sitting in the bhawan lawns,after all the people had mutually decided to go ahead with their groups without giving a head to it,and had divided the whole group into innumerable small parts ,and even as i tried to sew them together , i became the loose thread hanging out of the rug...That was the day ,i confess ,i tasted the sweet vodka and felt the nice warmth it gave...Since that day,things have never looked good for me...and i woudn't have been writing this blog ,maybe i wudn't have lived,had i not had the affection of my "few" friends in delhi...
Once again after a pd of 4 yrs of easy going ,life has failed me.. Once again i feel the need to meet that one person who gave me a direction to live ,who told me that life's not worthless at a time when i was on the verge of a breakdown...
The one who smiled and the world around us seemed to fade away ...And the one who taught me how to smile even in the worst circumstances ...Th e one who inspired me to be all that i am today...the one who held my hand and taught me how to walk over burning coal and a bed of thorns...
The one who hugged me and gave me energy which i can feel even today..
"And so i say a little prayer....
And hope my dreams will take me there ...
Where the skies are blue
to see her once again
Over seas to coast to coast
To find a place to love the most
where the fields are green
To see her once again"(WESTLIFE-"my Love")
And so as i turn 19,i make a promise to myself...to live for that one person once again,and to let the whole world go to hell...my search fr friends ends here ,and i will never look forward to having neone in my life,coz i don't want to hurt myself anymore,i don't wanna break my heart into finer pieces..
I'll live on with whatever i have
This is a new beginning
To look for a deeper meaning
and until i land in london,my heart will go on....
THE TIDE WILL WASH AWAY OUR POSSESIONS...BUT RELATIONSHIPS WOULD STILL FLOURISH
HOW CAN I CHANGE THE WORLD??!!
In recent times,I've seen myself in the midst of most ,if not all, controversies surrounding my well-wishing,or so it seems, group of friends...and with due humility ,i would say i'm the one accused for their sufferings or taken as an alibi for their whims and fancies, which often ,they find degrading to their prestige(as if i never had one of my own !!).Therefore, I've found myself quite a lot of times in my loneliness, musing over the thought:
How Can I change The World
Coz I sure Can't Change Ur Mind
There's a Miracle I need now
Gotta Get to You somehow
And coming to think of it ,my soul gets filled with a plethora of emotions .For someone,who's grown up welling tears for his parents,seeing them fighting ,biting and throwing things at each other ,and who's seen that emotion,that strange sodden feeling of hatred in their animated eyes,it's really tough to see the same anger in the people u love the most !!its rather scary sometimes...Makin new friends is not a child's play,but i guess u just need 1 bad shot to lose em !!Maybe i let my tongue do the wagging at all the wrong times,but with no intentions of letting it go for the worse...Still i'm at a loss to understand why people fight,coz i guess one only realizes this fact when one is faced with it.
A stranger reading this space may not find the exact reason for my musings or may even find it crappy,but i guess one's who know abt it already will make some sense of it..not that i expect the people that i have lost in my lives to come back and tell me -"letz forget what happened and turn a new leaf"!!
But i guess my objective is to bring to the fore the fact that fighting or just shying away frm people who luv yz doesn't do any good ,and doing so without knowing the actual reason for it,foolishness...Relationships aren't forged with pig iron,rather there's this underlying bond which just can't be broken however far the people in question are frm each other.I know it sounds just too philosophical ,but i guess i had to write about the thing which scares me the most since my very childhood,and maybe i will succeed someday in making atleast someone realize how hard it is too part ways with someone close to u ..be it ur famile,friend,ur love or whatever!!
